Wonderful World

While passing a gardener mowing a lawn on my way to class early one morning, I breathed in deeply, anticipating the sweet, earthly scent of freshly mowed grass to fill and calm my body.

Instead, I got a strong whiff of suffocating gasoline.

I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong

As I walked through the eucalyptus forest toward my dorm to pick up notebooks and grab a snack in between classes this morning, the nagging feeling that my shoes had come untied suddenly began bothering me.

I looked down and remembered that I was wearing flats.

And that I haven't worn shoes with laces in over a year.

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

My 8 am Yoga/Pilates class started this week. Aside from the short-lived high and sense of overall balance that follows me out of the small, mirror-less studio at 9 am, I have actually started to feel worse about my body since classes began.

God, my arms are awkward.

It kills me that I can't sit up straight with my legs crossed for even thirty seconds without excruciating pain in my back.

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now

Did I mention how I can't wait for this quarter to end so I can finally go home?

On the other hand, I am absolutely terrified of the appointment with my orthopedic surgeon that awaits me.

I am so sick of thinking about and answering questions from people about my back and the surgery when it is as clear as day that they do not even begin to understand how hard the topic is for me to discuss.

They can take their fucking insincere sympathy "Oh"s and shove it.

Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just wanna cry now

I hate how I have been forced to find a way to explain my situation to those kind of people so often that I have begun to talk about the prospects of surgery in a very matter-of-fact tone, as if it were "nothing."

Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just wanna cry now

It's not "nothing," but how am I supposed to condense all of the fears and tears into a short sound bite intended for people who don't really give a damn without scripting some kind of dramatic monologue that includes a timely and extremely emotional breakdown into shaking sobs at the end?



James Morrison is amazing. He has been on repeat on my iPod on and off for the past year, but has beat out all other albums for the past few months.

All of the songs off of his album are great, but if I had to choose one song, I would probably pick "Wonderful World" as my favorite.

I can feel my heart break a little every time I hear his voice crack a little on "cry" when he sings the lyric, I thought I was doing well, but I just want to cry now.

(Thank you so much for introducing me to this awesome album way back then, Anna.)