Four shots of espresso, a half-hour "nap," and knowing that I am only THREE days away from an awesome-tacular weekend in Berkeley is what is keeping me going. Not even the Energizer Bunny can run on empty, but apparently, I can.
I stayed up all night writing three papers - all due today! They all kind of really sucked (I didn't even have time to proofread), but I am hoping to redeem myself during the second round of midterm-paper-writing coming up again in a few short weeks.
Now I have hundreds of pages of backed up reading and several practice midterms to take in preparation for the 40%-of-my-grade midterm in judicial politics tomorrow. I suddenly remembered during my Paris class today that AS Lecture Notes sent me an email a few weeks ago to inform me that archived notes from the last time judicial politics was offered (several years ago) was available for purchase, so I headed straight to their officer in the Old Student Center the moment my professor finished lecturing on Bastille Day and the beginnings of the French Revolution.
As I was walking toward AS Lecture Notes, I thought to myself, "YES! MY DOODLING-DURING-CLASS-AND-THEN-LEAVING-AN-HOUR-AND-A-HALF-EARLY-EVERY-TIME ASS WAS SAVEEEEEEED!!"
When I arrived at the counter, I told the person inside that I wanted the archived notes. He shuffled around to find an order form and said, "Okay, they will be ready at 10 am on Friday."
"Friday?! Umm... my midterm for this class is TOMORROW. Is there anyway I can get them... earlier?"
"Oh. Wow. Okay, hold on - let me see what I can do."
I really appreciated how the guy genuinely seemed to have tried to get me my notes earlier because the other two girls working at the office just gave me this "I-can't-believe-you-waited-until-the-day-before-your-midterm-to-come-ask-for-lecture-notes-and-now-you-expect-me-to-help-your-procrastinating-bad-student-ass-out? NO FUCKING WAY!" look when they heard me beg and plead for the archived notes. Grr.
The guy tried his best, but I still was not able to get an earlier pickup time. I will not even be here on Friday to pick them up!
Now I have to study hard for the midterm on my own. Ahhh.
I had not read for my history section or my environmental law class and I was so exhausted by 4 pm that I decided to take a nap instead of going to section because I would not have been able to make it through the night otherwise.
Since my freshly laundered sheets (long story, no time to tell, but let's just say it involved two HUGE, VERY UGLY bugs) were still tangled up in the pile of laundry in my hamper and I did not have time to fuss with making my bed again, I grabbed my pillow and took my nap at my desk.
My lovely roommate who knew that I had stayed up all night writing my papers suddenly decided that the moment my head hit the pillow for my thirty-minute nap before class was the perfect moment to start making phone calls to her friends. Multiple calls. Talking very loudly. INSIDE OUR ROOM.
So that as my "nap."
I kind of hope I can just knock out after my midterm tomorrow night and sleep until I have to leave at 4:45 am on Friday morning to catch my 6:30 am flight.
I am scared to take any more "naps" or to close my eyes for an extended period of time from now until after my midterm tomorrow because I might not wake up in time to study. Then I would be screwed, big time.
My bed is still not made anyway. So no place to sleep even if I wanted to! What better motivation to not sleep could there be, eh?
But for now... back to attacking my books with an assortment of colorful highlighters!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Continuation of Karen's Two-Day Study Bonanza
Since it became pretty clear to me that I was not going to be able to finish my two papers before the library closed at 2 am, I decided to head back to my dorm at around 10:30 pm, with my fingers crossed that the two OMFG-HUGE-SCARY-BUGS that had invaded our nerd box and made a home out of it for the past few days finally decided to move out.
Luckily, they did.
But as I am sitting in the nerd box typing this up right now, I still constantly feel like there are many tiny bugs crawling all over my bare arms and legs. Ugh.
FUN FACT:
While I was wracking my brain in an attempt to figure out how I was going to argue that the split in governmental authority between the crown and the powerful bourgeois in sixteenth century Paris made the city more susceptible to the outbreaks of violence during the religious wars (yeah, my paper sounds so interesting doesn't it?), I randomly decided to check my credit card balances.
I used my Chase Freedom card for the first time at Yogurt World a few days ago, and guess what? Chase classified my beloved Yogurt World under "Dining and Entertainment"!
It must have been the studying-overload rattling my brains, but I thought the idea of ENTERTAINING frozen yogurt was pretty fucking hilarious. Then I really wanted to eat some frozen yogurt from Yogurt World.
A big swirl of tart green tea and a smaller-but-not-too-small swirl of tart strawberry on top of it with lots of fresh strawberries and mochi, please!
Then I realized that the whole self-serve concept can be pretty entertaining. With all the swirling and what-not.
Wow, I really need some real human interaction before I lose even more of my marbles.
I kind of need those marbles to stay in my head for the possible two-in-a-row all-nighter-a-thon I will most likely need to plow through in order to not fail my midterms. :(
Luckily, they did.
But as I am sitting in the nerd box typing this up right now, I still constantly feel like there are many tiny bugs crawling all over my bare arms and legs. Ugh.
FUN FACT:
While I was wracking my brain in an attempt to figure out how I was going to argue that the split in governmental authority between the crown and the powerful bourgeois in sixteenth century Paris made the city more susceptible to the outbreaks of violence during the religious wars (yeah, my paper sounds so interesting doesn't it?), I randomly decided to check my credit card balances.
I used my Chase Freedom card for the first time at Yogurt World a few days ago, and guess what? Chase classified my beloved Yogurt World under "Dining and Entertainment"!
It must have been the studying-overload rattling my brains, but I thought the idea of ENTERTAINING frozen yogurt was pretty fucking hilarious. Then I really wanted to eat some frozen yogurt from Yogurt World.
A big swirl of tart green tea and a smaller-but-not-too-small swirl of tart strawberry on top of it with lots of fresh strawberries and mochi, please!
Then I realized that the whole self-serve concept can be pretty entertaining. With all the swirling and what-not.
Wow, I really need some real human interaction before I lose even more of my marbles.
I kind of need those marbles to stay in my head for the possible two-in-a-row all-nighter-a-thon I will most likely need to plow through in order to not fail my midterms. :(
Studying > Hunger + Thirst
I have gotten up to pee at least four times since I arrived at the library four and a half hours ago. The girl who was wearing the same-shade-of-orange-as-my-dress tank top and shorts sitting at the table next to the bathroom door gave me a funny look when she saw me walking out of the bathroom again a few minutes ago.
Sorry, but excessive amounts of caffeine in my system and a liter of water makes me need to pee a lot!
I am really hungry now, but I do not have time to go get food. :(
The air conditioning in the library felt really good for the first two hours, but now it is getting a little chilly.
One essay down, two more to go!
UPDATE 6:40 pm:
I got really, really hungry and I finished my one liter bottle of water so I decided to take a break from studying and walk myself back to my dining hall for some portable food that I could sneak back into the library and eat while studying some more.
The line for the grill was almost nonexistent (for once!), so I decided to get a garden burger.
Turned out that chewing on lettuce made really loud crunching noises in the "Super Quiet Zone" of the library. And the people working at the grill put the mayonnaise spread AND pickles in my burger. Ughhhh.
I still ate most of it anyway because I was that hungry.
Now I am sleepy.
Still two papers to go.
Sorry, but excessive amounts of caffeine in my system and a liter of water makes me need to pee a lot!
I am really hungry now, but I do not have time to go get food. :(
The air conditioning in the library felt really good for the first two hours, but now it is getting a little chilly.
One essay down, two more to go!
UPDATE 6:40 pm:
I got really, really hungry and I finished my one liter bottle of water so I decided to take a break from studying and walk myself back to my dining hall for some portable food that I could sneak back into the library and eat while studying some more.
The line for the grill was almost nonexistent (for once!), so I decided to get a garden burger.
Turned out that chewing on lettuce made really loud crunching noises in the "Super Quiet Zone" of the library. And the people working at the grill put the mayonnaise spread AND pickles in my burger. Ughhhh.
I still ate most of it anyway because I was that hungry.
Now I am sleepy.
Still two papers to go.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Cheer Up, Emo Kid
The weather in La Jolla has been extremely counter-conductive for studying this weekend. Upper-nineties during the day? Low-eighties at night? And I have to stay indoors to study? You've got to be fucking kidding me.
I got absolutely nothing done. And I am terrified of how I may have just screwed myself over for the upcoming midterms "hell week".
I feel really stupid for wasting precious time and brain power worrying and speculating about trivial, maybe-its-all-in-my-head-after-all issues.
I tend to let my imagination get a little carried away in certain situations and usually end up more crushed and dejected when the truth comes out than I let on.
It may seem like I am brushing it off or "getting over" something pretty painlessly on the outside, but I am probably secretly crying my eyes out and mentally beating myself up alone in my room the moment I get some privacy.
At the most recent line dinner, my G3 made a comment about our new Service VP, "She's probably a manic depressive. Nobody can be that happy all the time."
On the exterior, I am pretty "zen" and whatever most of the time, but I also harbor some intense manic-depressive tendencies. More so with the "depressive" than the "manic" though.
Most of my friends know that I used to be really bad with phone calls. I would never bring my phone with me anywhere and I was terrible at returning calls. "Terrible" as in I never did it. Now I have my phone with me at all times and I am constantly checking it in between classes.
Just to see if you called to invite me to go hang out or something.
I really want to hang out with you, but I don't want to push it and impose myself on you. Is it crazy that I even dream about you calling me?
Sigh.
I really hope that I did not send the wrong message by inviting another person along that night. I had no idea it was just going to be us otherwise.
Maybe there was no "message" to send at all. Am I just embarrassing myself right now for revealing how much I thought about something that was not meant to be taken for more than its face value?
Ugh.
I have been listening to the same song on repeat for three weeks.
I am not going to admit or reaffirm the way I feel until I am a little more certain about the whole reciprocity thing because I don't want to feel stupid. Or get more crushed by raised expectations when the truth manifests.
But yeah.
If I seemed distracted lately, this was why - I had my head in the clouds.
I will be spending the next two days living in the library. So, uh, you know where to find me.
I got absolutely nothing done. And I am terrified of how I may have just screwed myself over for the upcoming midterms "hell week".
I feel really stupid for wasting precious time and brain power worrying and speculating about trivial, maybe-its-all-in-my-head-after-all issues.
I tend to let my imagination get a little carried away in certain situations and usually end up more crushed and dejected when the truth comes out than I let on.
It may seem like I am brushing it off or "getting over" something pretty painlessly on the outside, but I am probably secretly crying my eyes out and mentally beating myself up alone in my room the moment I get some privacy.
At the most recent line dinner, my G3 made a comment about our new Service VP, "She's probably a manic depressive. Nobody can be that happy all the time."
On the exterior, I am pretty "zen" and whatever most of the time, but I also harbor some intense manic-depressive tendencies. More so with the "depressive" than the "manic" though.
Most of my friends know that I used to be really bad with phone calls. I would never bring my phone with me anywhere and I was terrible at returning calls. "Terrible" as in I never did it. Now I have my phone with me at all times and I am constantly checking it in between classes.
Just to see if you called to invite me to go hang out or something.
I really want to hang out with you, but I don't want to push it and impose myself on you. Is it crazy that I even dream about you calling me?
Sigh.
I really hope that I did not send the wrong message by inviting another person along that night. I had no idea it was just going to be us otherwise.
Maybe there was no "message" to send at all. Am I just embarrassing myself right now for revealing how much I thought about something that was not meant to be taken for more than its face value?
Ugh.
I have been listening to the same song on repeat for three weeks.
I am not going to admit or reaffirm the way I feel until I am a little more certain about the whole reciprocity thing because I don't want to feel stupid. Or get more crushed by raised expectations when the truth manifests.
But yeah.
If I seemed distracted lately, this was why - I had my head in the clouds.
I will be spending the next two days living in the library. So, uh, you know where to find me.
Monday, April 21, 2008
So Close Yet So Far
We hug hello. We hug goodbye. And sometimes we hug in between just because.
Despite all the "clasping tightly in the arms, especially with affection" that goes on in the fraternity, I do not feel any love.
My parents were the typical non-affectionate Asian parents. The first time I remember someone hugging me was in first or second grade. Back in elementary school, I loved playing tag and hopscotch, and during one particularly rough game of tag, I was chasing this boy up and down the handicap wheelchair ramp in the courtyard when I tripped over a bump in the pavement and slid maybe a feet or so down the ramp on my knees.
It hurt. So of course, I cried.
My friends took me into the office and told the secretary what happened. She took a look at my knees and determined that nothing was too physically damaged and all I needed was a big hug. She pulled the small me into her large, grandmotherly body and gave a me a tight, comforting hug before sending me back into the courtyard.
As I walked out of the building toward my friends again, I felt a weird tingling sensation on my legs.
Heavy streams of blood were suddenly running down both of my legs from the badly scraped knees.
I ran, crying hysterically, back into the office where the secretary stared at my bloody knees in horror.
I spent the next hour or so having my knees bandaged in a thick wad of gauze and sitting with my legs elevated to prevent excessive blood loss.
I guess a hug just wasn't enough to fix the problem.
You could say I have been quite suspicious of them since then.
Despite all the "clasping tightly in the arms, especially with affection" that goes on in the fraternity, I do not feel any love.
My parents were the typical non-affectionate Asian parents. The first time I remember someone hugging me was in first or second grade. Back in elementary school, I loved playing tag and hopscotch, and during one particularly rough game of tag, I was chasing this boy up and down the handicap wheelchair ramp in the courtyard when I tripped over a bump in the pavement and slid maybe a feet or so down the ramp on my knees.
It hurt. So of course, I cried.
My friends took me into the office and told the secretary what happened. She took a look at my knees and determined that nothing was too physically damaged and all I needed was a big hug. She pulled the small me into her large, grandmotherly body and gave a me a tight, comforting hug before sending me back into the courtyard.
As I walked out of the building toward my friends again, I felt a weird tingling sensation on my legs.
Heavy streams of blood were suddenly running down both of my legs from the badly scraped knees.
I ran, crying hysterically, back into the office where the secretary stared at my bloody knees in horror.
I spent the next hour or so having my knees bandaged in a thick wad of gauze and sitting with my legs elevated to prevent excessive blood loss.
I guess a hug just wasn't enough to fix the problem.
You could say I have been quite suspicious of them since then.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
I Am Not Five Anymore
"I see your mouth opening and closing, but I can never hear anything you say to me!"
-_--------
The last time somebody accused me of being that quiet was probably back in elementary school... when I transferred to my new school in the middle of kindergarten.
"Family" get-togethers that make me regress thirteen or so years back into that timid transfer kindergartener are absolutely awesome, aren't they?
If I am acting like the five-year-old me again, I would like to start picking my "lucky object" for an all-day hopscotch marathon outdoors in the fresh air instead of getting set up to stay up and work into the wee hours of the night writing five legal briefs, starting on two papers, and catching up on the hundreds of pages of reading material I have been oh-so carefully neglecting.
Parisian architecture and the most minute details of all the phases of the Russian Revolution never never sounded so exciting.
By the way, I am really sorry if my "smile" in the "family picture" looked more like a pained grimace, but it is kind of hard to fake smile genuinely when I die a little inside every time I have to go to one of these events. Whose idea was it to put me smack dab in the middle of the crowd anyway?
Oh, and I think I blinked.
Both times.
P.S. Of course I lied when I said I wasn't going to bitch about fraternity-related stuff anymore.
But no worries - there are definitely some major positives in my life that keep me feeling bubbly and happy.
It is just that much more fun to write scathing posts complaining about the state of things than it is to gush and speculate about good things. Actually, I secretly believe that any blog-related speculation tends to jinx things, so I will keep my neurotic thoughts to myself, leave it at that and continue with my series of negative rantings.
Better in than out, yeah?
-_--------
The last time somebody accused me of being that quiet was probably back in elementary school... when I transferred to my new school in the middle of kindergarten.
"Family" get-togethers that make me regress thirteen or so years back into that timid transfer kindergartener are absolutely awesome, aren't they?
If I am acting like the five-year-old me again, I would like to start picking my "lucky object" for an all-day hopscotch marathon outdoors in the fresh air instead of getting set up to stay up and work into the wee hours of the night writing five legal briefs, starting on two papers, and catching up on the hundreds of pages of reading material I have been oh-so carefully neglecting.
Parisian architecture and the most minute details of all the phases of the Russian Revolution never never sounded so exciting.
By the way, I am really sorry if my "smile" in the "family picture" looked more like a pained grimace, but it is kind of hard to fake smile genuinely when I die a little inside every time I have to go to one of these events. Whose idea was it to put me smack dab in the middle of the crowd anyway?
Oh, and I think I blinked.
Both times.
P.S. Of course I lied when I said I wasn't going to bitch about fraternity-related stuff anymore.
But no worries - there are definitely some major positives in my life that keep me feeling bubbly and happy.
It is just that much more fun to write scathing posts complaining about the state of things than it is to gush and speculate about good things. Actually, I secretly believe that any blog-related speculation tends to jinx things, so I will keep my neurotic thoughts to myself, leave it at that and continue with my series of negative rantings.
Better in than out, yeah?
Monday, April 14, 2008
Greetings from Procrasti-NATION!
It is so gross how everybody in my suite is diligently studying while I am sitting in the nerd box, hugging a naked build-a-bear and eating blue corn chips dipped in organic hummus with mountains of (untouched) books around me.
I skipped GBM again tonight to "do work" because I didn't get anything done at all this weekend.
The results? I still did not get any work done and now I cannot skip any more GBMs because I will be using my last allowed-absence when I head up to Berkeley for the weekend in a few weeks.
Side note: I haven't been to a GBM since I activated and I did not miss a single GBM or pledge meeting during my pledging process.
Mmmmm...
Trader Joe's organic hummus totally rocks my socks.
Not that I would be wearing socks during this crazy heat wave we've been having lately.
Or that I would wear socks ever, period.
Because, you know, I don't do shoes.
That is all.
I skipped GBM again tonight to "do work" because I didn't get anything done at all this weekend.
The results? I still did not get any work done and now I cannot skip any more GBMs because I will be using my last allowed-absence when I head up to Berkeley for the weekend in a few weeks.
Side note: I haven't been to a GBM since I activated and I did not miss a single GBM or pledge meeting during my pledging process.
Mmmmm...
Trader Joe's organic hummus totally rocks my socks.
Not that I would be wearing socks during this crazy heat wave we've been having lately.
Or that I would wear socks ever, period.
Because, you know, I don't do shoes.
That is all.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Wanted: Big, Brave Bug Basher
UCSD has been invaded by hordes and hordes of these giant, long-legged, monsters:
I am officially terrified of opening my mouth too widely when talking outdoors, getting into the shower before checking all the nooks and crannies thoroughly, and leaving any door or window open, despite the stifling heat.
I am officially terrified of opening my mouth too widely when talking outdoors, getting into the shower before checking all the nooks and crannies thoroughly, and leaving any door or window open, despite the stifling heat.
Friday, April 11, 2008
The Last One, I Swear!
I distinctly heard someone from my pledge class approach me earlier tonight and call me "Stephanie." I pretended not to hear her say it by ignoring her. After a few moments, she must have had a small "OH FUCK" epiphany and realize what she just did because she backed away from me and we both pretended it did not happen.
But you know, it really did happen.
Oh, can't you just feel the close bonds of "brotherhood" in our fraternity?
At my first or second interview party, I approached this guy to ask for an interview because all the other actives were busy. When I walked up to him and said in my cheery-interview-voice, "Hi! Are you an active? Can I interview you?" he gave me this very judgmental stare-down and said very bluntly in a no-nonsense kind of way, "No."
I am not going to waste my time bitching about the details of that incident because 1) it happened almost three months ago and 2) the asshole's character is not worth my time to develop in writing, and 3) I, of course, have a lot of other things to bitch about and three-month old grudges are not nearly as cathartic to write about as more recent incidents.
Anyway, I basically hated that guy from that moment onwards. I do not think I have ever disliked a person that much based on first impressions before.
Well, this same guy was present at the event tonight. Somehow, he migrated over to my area of the room, where we were cutting out construction paper footprints, and made more comments along the same lines, specifically directed at me, that really pissed me off.
First of all, I did not have to be there to help out because I did not sign up for the event and I would not receive credit for it, yet I was there for over two hours working diligently. I did NOT NEED little fucking bitches like him making snarky remarks at me in my own House Lounge. If we weren't in a"public" area, I would have told him to get the fuck out.
Secondly, I have never actually met or had any real interaction with this guy before, so WHY THE FUCK WAS HE BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH TO ME?! He acted as though he held some kind of secret grudge against me, but as much as I bitch about the fraternity in my blog, I have not actually done anything offensive enough in the presence of any actives or pledges to warrant this kind of retaliation.
People like him exemplify all that I dislike about the fraternity, and then some.
The worst part is, he is my favorite-fellow-pledge's grandbig.
(I know you are all sick and tired of reading another post with me bitching about my fraternity, so this will (I promise!) be the last one for a while. Updates on the many aspects of my non-Greek life (because many more positive things are going on in that half of my life) will resume shortly.)
One of my roommates mentioned to me today that a second-year girl in her Japanese group for a project told her that she was miserable at UCSD during her first-year and seriously considered transferring to another school until she joined a fraternity/sorority and now she loves it here and could not imagine going anywhere else. After telling my roommate how I agreed with what that girl said about how getting involved was really important in attaining happiness in college (because college life is depressing as hell if you just sit on your ass in your room all day), I summed up my reflections about my frat experiences in one short sentence fragment: "... but honestly, I don't like my frat that much."
Do you know what my roommate said in response?
Nothing.
She laughed a scornful, mocking laugh, and then sat her ass down in front of her laptop and watched more episodes of godknows what show she is currently hooked on.
Awesome.
P.S. I think I want a single next year.
But you know, it really did happen.
Oh, can't you just feel the close bonds of "brotherhood" in our fraternity?
At my first or second interview party, I approached this guy to ask for an interview because all the other actives were busy. When I walked up to him and said in my cheery-interview-voice, "Hi! Are you an active? Can I interview you?" he gave me this very judgmental stare-down and said very bluntly in a no-nonsense kind of way, "No."
I am not going to waste my time bitching about the details of that incident because 1) it happened almost three months ago and 2) the asshole's character is not worth my time to develop in writing, and 3) I, of course, have a lot of other things to bitch about and three-month old grudges are not nearly as cathartic to write about as more recent incidents.
Anyway, I basically hated that guy from that moment onwards. I do not think I have ever disliked a person that much based on first impressions before.
Well, this same guy was present at the event tonight. Somehow, he migrated over to my area of the room, where we were cutting out construction paper footprints, and made more comments along the same lines, specifically directed at me, that really pissed me off.
First of all, I did not have to be there to help out because I did not sign up for the event and I would not receive credit for it, yet I was there for over two hours working diligently. I did NOT NEED little fucking bitches like him making snarky remarks at me in my own House Lounge. If we weren't in a"public" area, I would have told him to get the fuck out.
Secondly, I have never actually met or had any real interaction with this guy before, so WHY THE FUCK WAS HE BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH TO ME?! He acted as though he held some kind of secret grudge against me, but as much as I bitch about the fraternity in my blog, I have not actually done anything offensive enough in the presence of any actives or pledges to warrant this kind of retaliation.
People like him exemplify all that I dislike about the fraternity, and then some.
The worst part is, he is my favorite-fellow-pledge's grandbig.
(I know you are all sick and tired of reading another post with me bitching about my fraternity, so this will (I promise!) be the last one for a while. Updates on the many aspects of my non-Greek life (because many more positive things are going on in that half of my life) will resume shortly.)
One of my roommates mentioned to me today that a second-year girl in her Japanese group for a project told her that she was miserable at UCSD during her first-year and seriously considered transferring to another school until she joined a fraternity/sorority and now she loves it here and could not imagine going anywhere else. After telling my roommate how I agreed with what that girl said about how getting involved was really important in attaining happiness in college (because college life is depressing as hell if you just sit on your ass in your room all day), I summed up my reflections about my frat experiences in one short sentence fragment: "... but honestly, I don't like my frat that much."
Do you know what my roommate said in response?
Nothing.
She laughed a scornful, mocking laugh, and then sat her ass down in front of her laptop and watched more episodes of godknows what show she is currently hooked on.
Awesome.
P.S. I think I want a single next year.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
This Is It?
For those of you who were wondering...
Yeah, so I went through with it in the end:
The more I think about it, the more I question handing that $75 check over to Finance. Even though we are all technically "actives" now and have been initiated as "loyal and true brothers" to the fraternity, I still do not feel like I have connected with anybody on a real level and honestly wonder whether anybody would have noticed if I had just decided not to show up for activation without telling anybody in advance.
While I was in the elevator going down from my sixth floor dorm for activation, the elevator made a stop on the fourth floor and a fellow pledge walked in. I greeted him and expressed my surprise to learn that he also lived in my building, but he did not have much to say in response. He whipped out his phone and called somebody else in the fraternity and said, very loudly and clearly, "Yeah, I am in the elevator going down right now. There's another [insert fraternity name here] person in here with me too..."
So he did not even know my name.
"Brotherhood" and being "one cohesive unit," my ass.
Our pledge trainer made another sappy speech before the ceremony and instead of blindly taking his empty words at face value like I had throughout the entire pledging process, I couldn't help but roll my eyes a little at how untrue and idealistic some of his statements were. There was also a weird guy leaping wildly across library walk in the background as our PT embarked his final words of congratulations and wisdom on our pledge class, and the ridiculousness of the juxtaposition of the two situations almost made me burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.
Good thing I didn't because you know, that would have been quite inappropriate.
It was a "sacred" ceremony after all.
Indifference and scorn are not exactly the strongest building blocks for a lasting foundation of "brotherhood."
But I guess this is it.
Yeah, so I went through with it in the end:
The more I think about it, the more I question handing that $75 check over to Finance. Even though we are all technically "actives" now and have been initiated as "loyal and true brothers" to the fraternity, I still do not feel like I have connected with anybody on a real level and honestly wonder whether anybody would have noticed if I had just decided not to show up for activation without telling anybody in advance.
While I was in the elevator going down from my sixth floor dorm for activation, the elevator made a stop on the fourth floor and a fellow pledge walked in. I greeted him and expressed my surprise to learn that he also lived in my building, but he did not have much to say in response. He whipped out his phone and called somebody else in the fraternity and said, very loudly and clearly, "Yeah, I am in the elevator going down right now. There's another [insert fraternity name here] person in here with me too..."
So he did not even know my name.
"Brotherhood" and being "one cohesive unit," my ass.
Our pledge trainer made another sappy speech before the ceremony and instead of blindly taking his empty words at face value like I had throughout the entire pledging process, I couldn't help but roll my eyes a little at how untrue and idealistic some of his statements were. There was also a weird guy leaping wildly across library walk in the background as our PT embarked his final words of congratulations and wisdom on our pledge class, and the ridiculousness of the juxtaposition of the two situations almost made me burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.
Good thing I didn't because you know, that would have been quite inappropriate.
It was a "sacred" ceremony after all.
Indifference and scorn are not exactly the strongest building blocks for a lasting foundation of "brotherhood."
But I guess this is it.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Crazy Much? You Betcha.
Who is that crazy girl sporting a pair of iridescent pale blue pumps in her gym shorts and an oversized "gay? fine by me" shirt, brushing her teeth in the bathroom at 3:30 am?
Guilty as charged.
But in my defense, I was practicing my walk in the new pumps. And of course, one of my suitemates managed to catch me in the act of looking stupid.
Awesome.
***
Because people did not bother to call me, the "planner" of the get-together, to tell me that our dinner plans were canceled for tonight ahead of time and left me hanging until the very last minute, my first free Friday was basically completely unproductive and went to shameful waste. I was pretty pissed off for several reasons; the most rational being that I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME TO WASTE ever this quarter.
So, I walked from the furthest edge of the UCSD campus back to my dorm after being stood up, fuming but resolved to get at least some work done before the day was over.
I ended up reading six (albeit printed on small pages) chapters about law and the judiciary process in America, skimming through most of the 60+ pages of the tedious details of NEPA, finishing a Supreme Court case summary, and reading three examples of legal briefs tonight. Not bad, if I do say so myself.
Saying this will make me sound like a SUPER NERD, but poring over those hundreds of pages explaining the judiciary process and various Supreme Court cases was a cinch because it was all really fascinating material to me - probably a lot more fascinating than descriptions of different types of courts and how each of them function should be for the average person.
I have to write two legal briefs for my environmental law class by Tuesday; reading the examples my professor emailed me actually left me feeling more intimidated about the daunting task though.
My environmental law professor is an attorney who has been fighting on behalf of the environment in California for eighteen years by day and a UCSD professor by night. My judicial politics professor has been a full-time law professor at CWSL for twenty-four years and acts as a visiting professor in the UCSD political science department on the side. Pretty crazy, huh?
I am pretty sure I will know if I want to go to law school or not by the end of the quarter.
Guilty as charged.
But in my defense, I was practicing my walk in the new pumps. And of course, one of my suitemates managed to catch me in the act of looking stupid.
Awesome.
***
Because people did not bother to call me, the "planner" of the get-together, to tell me that our dinner plans were canceled for tonight ahead of time and left me hanging until the very last minute, my first free Friday was basically completely unproductive and went to shameful waste. I was pretty pissed off for several reasons; the most rational being that I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME TO WASTE ever this quarter.
So, I walked from the furthest edge of the UCSD campus back to my dorm after being stood up, fuming but resolved to get at least some work done before the day was over.
I ended up reading six (albeit printed on small pages) chapters about law and the judiciary process in America, skimming through most of the 60+ pages of the tedious details of NEPA, finishing a Supreme Court case summary, and reading three examples of legal briefs tonight. Not bad, if I do say so myself.
Saying this will make me sound like a SUPER NERD, but poring over those hundreds of pages explaining the judiciary process and various Supreme Court cases was a cinch because it was all really fascinating material to me - probably a lot more fascinating than descriptions of different types of courts and how each of them function should be for the average person.
I have to write two legal briefs for my environmental law class by Tuesday; reading the examples my professor emailed me actually left me feeling more intimidated about the daunting task though.
My environmental law professor is an attorney who has been fighting on behalf of the environment in California for eighteen years by day and a UCSD professor by night. My judicial politics professor has been a full-time law professor at CWSL for twenty-four years and acts as a visiting professor in the UCSD political science department on the side. Pretty crazy, huh?
I am pretty sure I will know if I want to go to law school or not by the end of the quarter.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
The Most Fun You Will Have
Before and at the beginning of my pledging period, nearly all of the actives I encountered would tell me to take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities available to me as a pledge because the pledging process would be "the most fun you will have in the fraternity."
Their words of "wisdom" seemed genuine and I had no reason to doubt their words. Now that I am on the verge of crossing and becoming an "active brother" (the sexist term still bugs me AND the number of female "brothers" in the fraternity outnumber the number of male "brothers" quite significantly...), those words are coming back to haunt me and making me rethink my membership in the organization.
Honestly, if pledging is supposed to be the "most fun" part of being in the fraternity, why am I going to hand over a $75 check to "continue the fun" in an organization in which I still do not feel like I belong and whose activities and events still leave me feeling depressed and dejected at the end of the night? There is simply no rational justification.
I just spent over $300 on books this quarter, so paying $75 to keep being unhappy seems pretty damn stupid to me.
Over spring break, another high school classmates of mine who underwent a much more brutal and strenuous pledging process for one of the crazy Asian social fraternities asked me about my experiences pledging for my fraternity. He was immediately taken aback by all the negative experiences I shared with him because "everyone else seemed to love it."
"Why didn't you DP?!" was one question he asked me repeatedly that night.
And I couldn't come up with a sound answer even once.
"You should have just DP'ed," he mused as he rattled off Greek letters of other organizations that I could join instead.
He was probably right. No one can provide better perspective on a problem than a stranger to the issue.
Last night, I received a text from my Big that sounded a little something like this:
It is NOT OKAY. It is ANYTHING BUT OKAY.
Do you know where my Big works? STARBUCKS.
Serving coffee >>> me, I guess.
(By the way, my Big ironically hates the smell, taste, and anything to do with coffee.)
When I received the text last night, my first reaction was utter and complete SHOCK. I have harbored well-grounded suspicions from the beginning that my Big was not exactly all that fond of me, but this hit the nail in the head and drove it deep into my thin skin.
And you know what? IT HURT.
My Big has thus far ruined every major moment of what was supposed to be "triumph" for me in this pledging process. Let us recap:
SIB REVEALING: She didn't talk to me at all. While every other pledge bonded with their Bigs and their lines, she slept on top of a box instead. (She's small enough to do that.) So I spent what was supposed to be an awesomely fun day of bonding with the people who I am supposed to form the strongest bonds with in the fraternity sitting all by myself on a field of grass, venting out my anger and frustration on the blades of grass before me. Then I returned to my dorm and cried my fucking eyes out and seriously thought about DPing for the first time since I started pledging.
SHOWCASE: After our pledge class worked our asses off to pull off an AMAZING performance for the actives, everyone's bigs and lines rushed to the stage area with big balloons, beautiful bouquets of flowers, huge homemade signs with their little's names on them, and most importantly, warm hugs and words of congratulations for their littles. Except for my big and my line. They were nowhere to be found. So once again, I was all alone in a busy crowd of paired off/grouped up people. When I finally found my big and my line, we just stood around in awkward silence. No words of congratulations or encouragement or any indication that they had enjoyed the show whatsoever. While all of my pledge brothers were busy taking smiling picture after smiling picture with their Bigs, their lines, and their group mates, I just stood back and watched it all happen somberly.
And now ACTIVATION?
Fuck it. "Sacred ceremony," my ass.
I currently have an awesome dress and an awesome pair of heels waiting patiently to see the light of day in my closet but whether I will be dressed and ready to go with my $75 check at 4 pm this Sunday still remains a big question mark in my mind.
I could save myself an exorbitant amount of money that could be better spent on other things and use the time more wisely to write a few legal briefs that night.
Spending Sunday night in my ruby red Lowell shorts, curled up with my 503 page reader and a highlighter sure sounds appealing to me right now.
Their words of "wisdom" seemed genuine and I had no reason to doubt their words. Now that I am on the verge of crossing and becoming an "active brother" (the sexist term still bugs me AND the number of female "brothers" in the fraternity outnumber the number of male "brothers" quite significantly...), those words are coming back to haunt me and making me rethink my membership in the organization.
Honestly, if pledging is supposed to be the "most fun" part of being in the fraternity, why am I going to hand over a $75 check to "continue the fun" in an organization in which I still do not feel like I belong and whose activities and events still leave me feeling depressed and dejected at the end of the night? There is simply no rational justification.
I just spent over $300 on books this quarter, so paying $75 to keep being unhappy seems pretty damn stupid to me.
Over spring break, another high school classmates of mine who underwent a much more brutal and strenuous pledging process for one of the crazy Asian social fraternities asked me about my experiences pledging for my fraternity. He was immediately taken aback by all the negative experiences I shared with him because "everyone else seemed to love it."
"Why didn't you DP?!" was one question he asked me repeatedly that night.
And I couldn't come up with a sound answer even once.
"You should have just DP'ed," he mused as he rattled off Greek letters of other organizations that I could join instead.
He was probably right. No one can provide better perspective on a problem than a stranger to the issue.
Last night, I received a text from my Big that sounded a little something like this:
"Sorry Lil but I won't be able to make it to your activation. I have a mandatory meeting at work."I texted back:
"Awwww... thats okay. :("But you know what?
It is NOT OKAY. It is ANYTHING BUT OKAY.
Do you know where my Big works? STARBUCKS.
Serving coffee >>> me, I guess.
(By the way, my Big ironically hates the smell, taste, and anything to do with coffee.)
When I received the text last night, my first reaction was utter and complete SHOCK. I have harbored well-grounded suspicions from the beginning that my Big was not exactly all that fond of me, but this hit the nail in the head and drove it deep into my thin skin.
And you know what? IT HURT.
My Big has thus far ruined every major moment of what was supposed to be "triumph" for me in this pledging process. Let us recap:
SIB REVEALING: She didn't talk to me at all. While every other pledge bonded with their Bigs and their lines, she slept on top of a box instead. (She's small enough to do that.) So I spent what was supposed to be an awesomely fun day of bonding with the people who I am supposed to form the strongest bonds with in the fraternity sitting all by myself on a field of grass, venting out my anger and frustration on the blades of grass before me. Then I returned to my dorm and cried my fucking eyes out and seriously thought about DPing for the first time since I started pledging.
SHOWCASE: After our pledge class worked our asses off to pull off an AMAZING performance for the actives, everyone's bigs and lines rushed to the stage area with big balloons, beautiful bouquets of flowers, huge homemade signs with their little's names on them, and most importantly, warm hugs and words of congratulations for their littles. Except for my big and my line. They were nowhere to be found. So once again, I was all alone in a busy crowd of paired off/grouped up people. When I finally found my big and my line, we just stood around in awkward silence. No words of congratulations or encouragement or any indication that they had enjoyed the show whatsoever. While all of my pledge brothers were busy taking smiling picture after smiling picture with their Bigs, their lines, and their group mates, I just stood back and watched it all happen somberly.
And now ACTIVATION?
Fuck it. "Sacred ceremony," my ass.
I currently have an awesome dress and an awesome pair of heels waiting patiently to see the light of day in my closet but whether I will be dressed and ready to go with my $75 check at 4 pm this Sunday still remains a big question mark in my mind.
I could save myself an exorbitant amount of money that could be better spent on other things and use the time more wisely to write a few legal briefs that night.
Spending Sunday night in my ruby red Lowell shorts, curled up with my 503 page reader and a highlighter sure sounds appealing to me right now.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Humanities Majors = ♥!!
A few words of wisdom:
I had an awesome spring break. My classes and professors this quarter are all very blog-worthy. Activation for my pledge class is coming up this Sunday so I definitely have a lot to say about that.
But look at this:
Those are three readers for three of my four classes this quarter. I also currently have nine books sitting on my bookshelf and am still waiting to purchase three more.
Professors employing "modified law school teaching style" a.k.a. the Socratic method in two of my classes this quarter means NO FALLING BEHIND ON READING OR I AM FUCKING SCREWED, so I am off to read about early twentieth century Paris and to finish a long legal document concerning NEPA, CAA, and NAFTA for my classes tomorrow. I already spent about three hours reading about women and communism in twentieth century Europe tonight.
(Communism? Feminism?? Of course, I loved every minute of it.)
Here are my readers again, but this time with my finger on the side for scale.
The thick one is over 500 pages long and the other two are 250-300ish pages each.
I don't understand why my 500+ page reader is NOT SPIRAL BOUND - the pages are already feeling loose and I have only read about five pages. Grrrrr!
Tell me being a humanities major is "easy" now, science-supremacist bitches.
At least I love what I study. How many of you can say that when you are failing your chemistry class?
(P.S. I go to UCSD, home to thousands of holier-than-thou bioengineering/biochem/bio-anything majors who love to continuously bash on me and my majors, so I have the fucking right to be more bitter than 100% cacao about this.)
(P.P.S. 100% cacao is really bitter, by the way.)
"Only go to law school if you really want to become a lawyer. Don't go to law school because you like to study law. That's like saying you want to go to med school because you "like to study medicine" and are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood and has no intention of becoming a doctor. Law school is there to train you to become a LAW-YER. If you like to study law, congratulations because you have just enrolled in a course all about law."It is only the third day of spring quarter and the second official day of classes for me and I have already dropped a course (a history seminar I was really interested in taking) and am panicky and overwhelmed by the amount of reading I am already falling behind on.
I had an awesome spring break. My classes and professors this quarter are all very blog-worthy. Activation for my pledge class is coming up this Sunday so I definitely have a lot to say about that.
But look at this:
Those are three readers for three of my four classes this quarter. I also currently have nine books sitting on my bookshelf and am still waiting to purchase three more.
Professors employing "modified law school teaching style" a.k.a. the Socratic method in two of my classes this quarter means NO FALLING BEHIND ON READING OR I AM FUCKING SCREWED, so I am off to read about early twentieth century Paris and to finish a long legal document concerning NEPA, CAA, and NAFTA for my classes tomorrow. I already spent about three hours reading about women and communism in twentieth century Europe tonight.
(Communism? Feminism?? Of course, I loved every minute of it.)
Here are my readers again, but this time with my finger on the side for scale.
The thick one is over 500 pages long and the other two are 250-300ish pages each.
I don't understand why my 500+ page reader is NOT SPIRAL BOUND - the pages are already feeling loose and I have only read about five pages. Grrrrr!
Tell me being a humanities major is "easy" now, science-supremacist bitches.
At least I love what I study. How many of you can say that when you are failing your chemistry class?
(P.S. I go to UCSD, home to thousands of holier-than-thou bioengineering/biochem/bio-anything majors who love to continuously bash on me and my majors, so I have the fucking right to be more bitter than 100% cacao about this.)
(P.P.S. 100% cacao is really bitter, by the way.)
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