Hey Look, Something Shiny!

Yeah, yeah, so "something shiny" caught my attention, yet again, so I am moving (yet again):

http://soylatte.tumblr.com/

Will I be crawling back to Blogger before long? Who knows.

Hook Up the Soy Latte IV NOW, PLEASE!

Karen without her morning coffee = Karen falling asleep in two of the three classes she chose to attend today.

Experiment failed - I need that cup of coffee!

Now I am behind on material about the Russian Revolution and The Federal Clean Water Act of 1972 because I was not conscious to hear the information in class.

***

"____ forwarded me the emails about our IC littles!"

"Oh. Yeah. Renee gave my little away to ___ instead because you did not sign up to replace me on the calendar like I told you to, so you don't have a little anymore."

"Oh. I was supposed to sign up on the calendar? Isn't the waitlist capped at five people?"

"You should still just have signed up."

"Oh."

Silence

"That's okay... At least ____ has a little... How are you doing on fellowships?"

Then we had lunch together at the would-be quaint chain pancake house. A really awkward lunch. Where we did not know what to say to each other.

Then she paid.

Then we went Asian grocery shopping at Ranch 99.

If picking up that little-who-would-probably-have-been-at-least-three-years-older-than-me would have made her happy or things less awkward, I would have done it.

Really, we have nothing in common.

Ughhhhh.

***

All that on top of being un-caffeinated today.

We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things

I don't keep up with up all the hip new happenings in music very often, but...

We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things is the forthcoming album by Jason Mraz, scheduled for release on May 13[1], 2008... will also feature collaborations with James Morrison on the track "Details In The Fabric" and with Colbie Caillat[2], on the track "Lucky."

OMG!! <3 <3 <3

How could his new album possibly get any more perfect???

Seven days!

The Return to Normalcy?

My most interesting class this quarter is probably a European history course titled, "Fascism, Communism, and the Crisis of Liberal Democracy, 1919-1945."

Fascism? Communism? World War I? The Great Depression? World War II? Seriously, what's not to like?

Today's lecture laid out exactly how liberal democracy in Europe basically fucked itself during the Great Depression by holding tight to classical liberal economic policies like cutting government spending and welfare programs when over 1/4 of the population was unemployed and all the calorie-hogging unemployed "bread-winning" men of the family sat on their depressed asses all day while their wives made many sacrifices to keep the household running, with helplessly watching all of their teeth rot and fall out due to malnutrition and lack of caloric intake being one of the few common female symbols of poverty and solidarity in the 1930s.

Men.

I am starting to believe that women really may have a higher threshold for pain.

To sum up my little spiel, liberal democratic nations' attempted return to the 19th century types of economic supremacy ended up silently and slowly screwing all of them over and making the fascist and communist alternatives all the more attractive to desperate, unemployed, depressed, starving, balding, toothless Europeans.

***

I got on a plane headed for San Francisco at 6:30 am last Friday, arrived in Berkeley at around 10 am, and had more fun and laughs in those three-and-a-half days than I have had at UCSD all year. You really won't appreciate just how fucking awesome your best friends are until you have to move away from them.

It was kind of hard to believe that I only spent a little more than three days in Berkeley away from the daily routines and obligations of my busy-but-actually-quite-unfulfilled-when-I-really-think-about-it socal college life here at UCSD. Everything about my trip to Berkeley just felt so natural and effortless. For the first time in a very long time, I felt genuinely happy.

I kind of forgot what "genuine happiness" felt like since I started pledging and eventually became an "active brother" of the fraternity, so this past weekend spent with the most awesome people I will ever hope to meet served as a refreshing little reminder and recharged my spirits for the remaining half of the last quarter of my first year in college.

While I was in Berkeley, life in "real time" seemed to have been suspended along with all of the obligations, responsibilities, and negativity associated with my life in socal, but within half and hour of my setting foot on campus, "the return to normalcy" shifted into high gear.

***

I was an hour late to an event I did not know existed. The moment I stepped into the small living room, a tall, lanky, smiling body appeared out of nowhere and pulled me into a tight hug. He confronted me with a semi-true rumor about me going inactive next quarter and pulled me into an even tighter hug before I could answer, as if I would suddenly disappear into the shadowy abyss of "inactivity" the moment he let go.

Everybody was being extra nice to me. I did not understand what was happening.

Then a girl who I never really talk to wrote on my wall last night to encourage me to come out to more events.

Then awkward-boy-who-always-looks-pained-when-I-try-to-talk-to-him who usually pretends to not see me when we are both walking around the Muir College campus actually stopped and CALLED OUT my name while I was pretending to not see him today. Just to say hi.

... What on earth happened in that one hour before I arrived? I have a strong hunch that I was the subject of at least one discussion.

I don't really know how I should react to all of this.

What kind of "invisible" pockets of trouble could possibly be hidden in my personal "return to normalcy"?

***

My friend and I are both ardent believers that when life puts you in shittier situation after shittier situation, something fucking amazing is bound to be waiting just around the corner.

I had my environmental law midterm tonight. Three essay questions, with three parts each. So we had to complete a nine-part essay exam in exactly one hour. I barely managed to finish six. And my answers were still not as thorough or well-written as I would have liked.

Taking everything else into consideration, I really hope my weekend in Berkeley did not just suck up my "shitty reserves" because I have my mind set on something quite specific for my "fucking amazing" thing.

And that specific something sure would require a hefty store of "the shitty" to materialize if our theory of how life works were to be true.

Just Keeps Going, and Going, and Going...

Four shots of espresso, a half-hour "nap," and knowing that I am only THREE days away from an awesome-tacular weekend in Berkeley is what is keeping me going. Not even the Energizer Bunny can run on empty, but apparently, I can.

I stayed up all night writing three papers - all due today! They all kind of really sucked (I didn't even have time to proofread), but I am hoping to redeem myself during the second round of midterm-paper-writing coming up again in a few short weeks.

Now I have hundreds of pages of backed up reading and several practice midterms to take in preparation for the 40%-of-my-grade midterm in judicial politics tomorrow. I suddenly remembered during my Paris class today that AS Lecture Notes sent me an email a few weeks ago to inform me that archived notes from the last time judicial politics was offered (several years ago) was available for purchase, so I headed straight to their officer in the Old Student Center the moment my professor finished lecturing on Bastille Day and the beginnings of the French Revolution.

As I was walking toward AS Lecture Notes, I thought to myself, "YES! MY DOODLING-DURING-CLASS-AND-THEN-LEAVING-AN-HOUR-AND-A-HALF-EARLY-EVERY-TIME ASS WAS SAVEEEEEEED!!"

When I arrived at the counter, I told the person inside that I wanted the archived notes. He shuffled around to find an order form and said, "Okay, they will be ready at 10 am on Friday."

"Friday?! Umm... my midterm for this class is TOMORROW. Is there anyway I can get them... earlier?"

"Oh. Wow. Okay, hold on - let me see what I can do."

I really appreciated how the guy genuinely seemed to have tried to get me my notes earlier because the other two girls working at the office just gave me this "I-can't-believe-you-waited-until-the-day-before-your-midterm-to-come-ask-for-lecture-notes-and-now-you-expect-me-to-help-your-procrastinating-bad-student-ass-out? NO FUCKING WAY!" look when they heard me beg and plead for the archived notes. Grr.

The guy tried his best, but I still was not able to get an earlier pickup time. I will not even be here on Friday to pick them up!

Now I have to study hard for the midterm on my own. Ahhh.

I had not read for my history section or my environmental law class and I was so exhausted by 4 pm that I decided to take a nap instead of going to section because I would not have been able to make it through the night otherwise.

Since my freshly laundered sheets (long story, no time to tell, but let's just say it involved two HUGE, VERY UGLY bugs) were still tangled up in the pile of laundry in my hamper and I did not have time to fuss with making my bed again, I grabbed my pillow and took my nap at my desk.

My lovely roommate who knew that I had stayed up all night writing my papers suddenly decided that the moment my head hit the pillow for my thirty-minute nap before class was the perfect moment to start making phone calls to her friends. Multiple calls. Talking very loudly. INSIDE OUR ROOM.

So that as my "nap."

I kind of hope I can just knock out after my midterm tomorrow night and sleep until I have to leave at 4:45 am on Friday morning to catch my 6:30 am flight.

I am scared to take any more "naps" or to close my eyes for an extended period of time from now until after my midterm tomorrow because I might not wake up in time to study. Then I would be screwed, big time.

My bed is still not made anyway. So no place to sleep even if I wanted to! What better motivation to not sleep could there be, eh?

But for now... back to attacking my books with an assortment of colorful highlighters!

Continuation of Karen's Two-Day Study Bonanza

Since it became pretty clear to me that I was not going to be able to finish my two papers before the library closed at 2 am, I decided to head back to my dorm at around 10:30 pm, with my fingers crossed that the two OMFG-HUGE-SCARY-BUGS that had invaded our nerd box and made a home out of it for the past few days finally decided to move out.

Luckily, they did.

But as I am sitting in the nerd box typing this up right now, I still constantly feel like there are many tiny bugs crawling all over my bare arms and legs. Ugh.

FUN FACT:

While I was wracking my brain in an attempt to figure out how I was going to argue that the split in governmental authority between the crown and the powerful bourgeois in sixteenth century Paris made the city more susceptible to the outbreaks of violence during the religious wars (yeah, my paper sounds so interesting doesn't it?), I randomly decided to check my credit card balances.

I used my Chase Freedom card for the first time at Yogurt World a few days ago, and guess what? Chase classified my beloved Yogurt World under "Dining and Entertainment"!

It must have been the studying-overload rattling my brains, but I thought the idea of ENTERTAINING frozen yogurt was pretty fucking hilarious. Then I really wanted to eat some frozen yogurt from Yogurt World.

A big swirl of tart green tea and a smaller-but-not-too-small swirl of tart strawberry on top of it with lots of fresh strawberries and mochi, please!

Then I realized that the whole self-serve concept can be pretty entertaining. With all the swirling and what-not.

Wow, I really need some real human interaction before I lose even more of my marbles.

I kind of need those marbles to stay in my head for the possible two-in-a-row all-nighter-a-thon I will most likely need to plow through in order to not fail my midterms. :(

Studying > Hunger + Thirst

I have gotten up to pee at least four times since I arrived at the library four and a half hours ago. The girl who was wearing the same-shade-of-orange-as-my-dress tank top and shorts sitting at the table next to the bathroom door gave me a funny look when she saw me walking out of the bathroom again a few minutes ago.

Sorry, but excessive amounts of caffeine in my system and a liter of water makes me need to pee a lot!

I am really hungry now, but I do not have time to go get food. :(

The air conditioning in the library felt really good for the first two hours, but now it is getting a little chilly.

One essay down, two more to go!

UPDATE 6:40 pm:

I got really, really hungry and I finished my one liter bottle of water so I decided to take a break from studying and walk myself back to my dining hall for some portable food that I could sneak back into the library and eat while studying some more.

The line for the grill was almost nonexistent (for once!), so I decided to get a garden burger.

Turned out that chewing on lettuce made really loud crunching noises in the "Super Quiet Zone" of the library. And the people working at the grill put the mayonnaise spread AND pickles in my burger. Ughhhh.

I still ate most of it anyway because I was that hungry.

Now I am sleepy.

Still two papers to go.

Cheer Up, Emo Kid

The weather in La Jolla has been extremely counter-conductive for studying this weekend. Upper-nineties during the day? Low-eighties at night? And I have to stay indoors to study? You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I got absolutely nothing done. And I am terrified of how I may have just screwed myself over for the upcoming midterms "hell week".


I feel really stupid for wasting precious time and brain power worrying and speculating about trivial, maybe-its-all-in-my-head-after-all issues.

I tend to let my imagination get a little carried away in certain situations and usually end up more crushed and dejected when the truth comes out than I let on.

It may seem like I am brushing it off or "getting over" something pretty painlessly on the outside, but I am probably secretly crying my eyes out and mentally beating myself up alone in my room the moment I get some privacy.

At the most recent line dinner, my G3 made a comment about our new Service VP, "She's probably a manic depressive. Nobody can be that happy all the time."

On the exterior, I am pretty "zen" and whatever most of the time, but I also harbor some intense manic-depressive tendencies. More so with the "depressive" than the "manic" though.

Most of my friends know that I used to be really bad with phone calls. I would never bring my phone with me anywhere and I was terrible at returning calls. "Terrible" as in I never did it. Now I have my phone with me at all times and I am constantly checking it in between classes.

Just to see if you called to invite me to go hang out or something.

I really want to hang out with you, but I don't want to push it and impose myself on you. Is it crazy that I even dream about you calling me?

Sigh.

I really hope that I did not send the wrong message by inviting another person along that night. I had no idea it was just going to be us otherwise.

Maybe there was no "message" to send at all. Am I just embarrassing myself right now for revealing how much I thought about something that was not meant to be taken for more than its face value?

Ugh.

I have been listening to the same song on repeat for three weeks.

I am not going to admit or reaffirm the way I feel until I am a little more certain about the whole reciprocity thing because I don't want to feel stupid. Or get more crushed by raised expectations when the truth manifests.

But yeah.

If I seemed distracted lately, this was why - I had my head in the clouds.

I will be spending the next two days living in the library. So, uh, you know where to find me.

So Close Yet So Far

We hug hello. We hug goodbye. And sometimes we hug in between just because.

Despite all the "clasping tightly in the arms, especially with affection" that goes on in the fraternity, I do not feel any love.

My parents were the typical non-affectionate Asian parents. The first time I remember someone hugging me was in first or second grade. Back in elementary school, I loved playing tag and hopscotch, and during one particularly rough game of tag, I was chasing this boy up and down the handicap wheelchair ramp in the courtyard when I tripped over a bump in the pavement and slid maybe a feet or so down the ramp on my knees.

It hurt. So of course, I cried.

My friends took me into the office and told the secretary what happened. She took a look at my knees and determined that nothing was too physically damaged and all I needed was a big hug. She pulled the small me into her large, grandmotherly body and gave a me a tight, comforting hug before sending me back into the courtyard.

As I walked out of the building toward my friends again, I felt a weird tingling sensation on my legs.

Heavy streams of blood were suddenly running down both of my legs from the badly scraped knees.

I ran, crying hysterically, back into the office where the secretary stared at my bloody knees in horror.

I spent the next hour or so having my knees bandaged in a thick wad of gauze and sitting with my legs elevated to prevent excessive blood loss.

I guess a hug just wasn't enough to fix the problem.

You could say I have been quite suspicious of them since then.

I Am Not Five Anymore

"I see your mouth opening and closing, but I can never hear anything you say to me!"

-_--------

The last time somebody accused me of being that quiet was probably back in elementary school... when I transferred to my new school in the middle of kindergarten.

"Family" get-togethers that make me regress thirteen or so years back into that timid transfer kindergartener are absolutely awesome, aren't they?

If I am acting like the five-year-old me again, I would like to start picking my "lucky object" for an all-day hopscotch marathon outdoors in the fresh air instead of getting set up to stay up and work into the wee hours of the night writing five legal briefs, starting on two papers, and catching up on the hundreds of pages of reading material I have been oh-so carefully neglecting.

Parisian architecture and the most minute details of all the phases of the Russian Revolution never never sounded so exciting.

By the way, I am really sorry if my "smile" in the "family picture" looked more like a pained grimace, but it is kind of hard to fake smile genuinely when I die a little inside every time I have to go to one of these events. Whose idea was it to put me smack dab in the middle of the crowd anyway?

Oh, and I think I blinked.

Both times.

P.S. Of course I lied when I said I wasn't going to bitch about fraternity-related stuff anymore.

But no worries - there are definitely some major positives in my life that keep me feeling bubbly and happy.

It is just that much more fun to write scathing posts complaining about the state of things than it is to gush and speculate about good things. Actually, I secretly believe that any blog-related speculation tends to jinx things, so I will keep my neurotic thoughts to myself, leave it at that and continue with my series of negative rantings.

Better in than out, yeah?

Greetings from Procrasti-NATION!

It is so gross how everybody in my suite is diligently studying while I am sitting in the nerd box, hugging a naked build-a-bear and eating blue corn chips dipped in organic hummus with mountains of (untouched) books around me.

I skipped GBM again tonight to "do work" because I didn't get anything done at all this weekend.

The results? I still did not get any work done and now I cannot skip any more GBMs because I will be using my last allowed-absence when I head up to Berkeley for the weekend in a few weeks.

Side note: I haven't been to a GBM since I activated and I did not miss a single GBM or pledge meeting during my pledging process.

Mmmmm...

Trader Joe's organic hummus totally rocks my socks.

Not that I would be wearing socks during this crazy heat wave we've been having lately.

Or that I would wear socks ever, period.

Because, you know, I don't do shoes.

That is all.

Wanted: Big, Brave Bug Basher

UCSD has been invaded by hordes and hordes of these giant, long-legged, monsters:



I am officially terrified of opening my mouth too widely when talking outdoors, getting into the shower before checking all the nooks and crannies thoroughly, and leaving any door or window open, despite the stifling heat.

The Last One, I Swear!

I distinctly heard someone from my pledge class approach me earlier tonight and call me "Stephanie." I pretended not to hear her say it by ignoring her. After a few moments, she must have had a small "OH FUCK" epiphany and realize what she just did because she backed away from me and we both pretended it did not happen.

But you know, it really did happen.

Oh, can't you just feel the close bonds of "brotherhood" in our fraternity?

At my first or second interview party, I approached this guy to ask for an interview because all the other actives were busy. When I walked up to him and said in my cheery-interview-voice, "Hi! Are you an active? Can I interview you?" he gave me this very judgmental stare-down and said very bluntly in a no-nonsense kind of way, "No."

I am not going to waste my time bitching about the details of that incident because 1) it happened almost three months ago and 2) the asshole's character is not worth my time to develop in writing, and 3) I, of course, have a lot of other things to bitch about and three-month old grudges are not nearly as cathartic to write about as more recent incidents.

Anyway, I basically hated that guy from that moment onwards. I do not think I have ever disliked a person that much based on first impressions before.

Well, this same guy was present at the event tonight. Somehow, he migrated over to my area of the room, where we were cutting out construction paper footprints, and made more comments along the same lines, specifically directed at me, that really pissed me off.

First of all, I did not have to be there to help out because I did not sign up for the event and I would not receive credit for it, yet I was there for over two hours working diligently. I did NOT NEED little fucking bitches like him making snarky remarks at me in my own House Lounge. If we weren't in a"public" area, I would have told him to get the fuck out.

Secondly, I have never actually met or had any real interaction with this guy before, so WHY THE FUCK WAS HE BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH TO ME?! He acted as though he held some kind of secret grudge against me, but as much as I bitch about the fraternity in my blog, I have not actually done anything offensive enough in the presence of any actives or pledges to warrant this kind of retaliation.

People like him exemplify all that I dislike about the fraternity, and then some.

The worst part is, he is my favorite-fellow-pledge's grandbig.

(I know you are all sick and tired of reading another post with me bitching about my fraternity, so this will (I promise!) be the last one for a while. Updates on the many aspects of my non-Greek life (because many more positive things are going on in that half of my life) will resume shortly.)

One of my roommates mentioned to me today that a second-year girl in her Japanese group for a project told her that she was miserable at UCSD during her first-year and seriously considered transferring to another school until she joined a fraternity/sorority and now she loves it here and could not imagine going anywhere else. After telling my roommate how I agreed with what that girl said about how getting involved was really important in attaining happiness in college (because college life is depressing as hell if you just sit on your ass in your room all day), I summed up my reflections about my frat experiences in one short sentence fragment: "... but honestly, I don't like my frat that much."

Do you know what my roommate said in response?

Nothing.

She laughed a scornful, mocking laugh, and then sat her ass down in front of her laptop and watched more episodes of godknows what show she is currently hooked on.

Awesome.

P.S. I think I want a single next year.

This Is It?

For those of you who were wondering...

Yeah, so I went through with it in the end:


The more I think about it, the more I question handing that $75 check over to Finance. Even though we are all technically "actives" now and have been initiated as "loyal and true brothers" to the fraternity, I still do not feel like I have connected with anybody on a real level and honestly wonder whether anybody would have noticed if I had just decided not to show up for activation without telling anybody in advance.

While I was in the elevator going down from my sixth floor dorm for activation, the elevator made a stop on the fourth floor and a fellow pledge walked in. I greeted him and expressed my surprise to learn that he also lived in my building, but he did not have much to say in response. He whipped out his phone and called somebody else in the fraternity and said, very loudly and clearly, "Yeah, I am in the elevator going down right now. There's another [insert fraternity name here] person in here with me too..."

So he did not even know my name.

"Brotherhood" and being "one cohesive unit," my ass.

Our pledge trainer made another sappy speech before the ceremony and instead of blindly taking his empty words at face value like I had throughout the entire pledging process, I couldn't help but roll my eyes a little at how untrue and idealistic some of his statements were. There was also a weird guy leaping wildly across library walk in the background as our PT embarked his final words of congratulations and wisdom on our pledge class, and the ridiculousness of the juxtaposition of the two situations almost made me burst out in a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Good thing I didn't because you know, that would have been quite inappropriate.

It was a "sacred" ceremony after all.

Indifference and scorn are not exactly the strongest building blocks for a lasting foundation of "brotherhood."

But I guess this is it.

Crazy Much? You Betcha.

Who is that crazy girl sporting a pair of iridescent pale blue pumps in her gym shorts and an oversized "gay? fine by me" shirt, brushing her teeth in the bathroom at 3:30 am?

Guilty as charged.

But in my defense, I was practicing my walk in the new pumps. And of course, one of my suitemates managed to catch me in the act of looking stupid.

Awesome.

***

Because people did not bother to call me, the "planner" of the get-together, to tell me that our dinner plans were canceled for tonight ahead of time and left me hanging until the very last minute, my first free Friday was basically completely unproductive and went to shameful waste. I was pretty pissed off for several reasons; the most rational being that I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING TIME TO WASTE ever this quarter.

So, I walked from the furthest edge of the UCSD campus back to my dorm after being stood up, fuming but resolved to get at least some work done before the day was over.

I ended up reading six (albeit printed on small pages) chapters about law and the judiciary process in America, skimming through most of the 60+ pages of the tedious details of NEPA, finishing a Supreme Court case summary, and reading three examples of legal briefs tonight. Not bad, if I do say so myself.

Saying this will make me sound like a SUPER NERD, but poring over those hundreds of pages explaining the judiciary process and various Supreme Court cases was a cinch because it was all really fascinating material to me - probably a lot more fascinating than descriptions of different types of courts and how each of them function should be for the average person.

I have to write two legal briefs for my environmental law class by Tuesday; reading the examples my professor emailed me actually left me feeling more intimidated about the daunting task though.

My environmental law professor is an attorney who has been fighting on behalf of the environment in California for eighteen years by day and a UCSD professor by night. My judicial politics professor has been a full-time law professor at CWSL for twenty-four years and acts as a visiting professor in the UCSD political science department on the side. Pretty crazy, huh?

I am pretty sure I will know if I want to go to law school or not by the end of the quarter.

The Most Fun You Will Have

Before and at the beginning of my pledging period, nearly all of the actives I encountered would tell me to take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities available to me as a pledge because the pledging process would be "the most fun you will have in the fraternity."

Their words of "wisdom" seemed genuine and I had no reason to doubt their words. Now that I am on the verge of crossing and becoming an "active brother" (the sexist term still bugs me AND the number of female "brothers" in the fraternity outnumber the number of male "brothers" quite significantly...), those words are coming back to haunt me and making me rethink my membership in the organization.

Honestly, if pledging is supposed to be the "most fun" part of being in the fraternity, why am I going to hand over a $75 check to "continue the fun" in an organization in which I still do not feel like I belong and whose activities and events still leave me feeling depressed and dejected at the end of the night? There is simply no rational justification.

I just spent over $300 on books this quarter, so paying $75 to keep being unhappy seems pretty damn stupid to me.

Over spring break, another high school classmates of mine who underwent a much more brutal and strenuous pledging process for one of the crazy Asian social fraternities asked me about my experiences pledging for my fraternity. He was immediately taken aback by all the negative experiences I shared with him because "everyone else seemed to love it."

"Why didn't you DP?!" was one question he asked me repeatedly that night.

And I couldn't come up with a sound answer even once.

"You should have just DP'ed," he mused as he rattled off Greek letters of other organizations that I could join instead.

He was probably right. No one can provide better perspective on a problem than a stranger to the issue.

Last night, I received a text from my Big that sounded a little something like this:

"Sorry Lil but I won't be able to make it to your activation. I have a mandatory meeting at work."

I texted back:

"Awwww... thats okay. :("

But you know what?

It is NOT OKAY. It is ANYTHING BUT OKAY.

Do you know where my Big works? STARBUCKS.

Serving coffee >>> me, I guess.

(By the way, my Big ironically hates the smell, taste, and anything to do with coffee.)

When I received the text last night, my first reaction was utter and complete SHOCK. I have harbored well-grounded suspicions from the beginning that my Big was not exactly all that fond of me, but this hit the nail in the head and drove it deep into my thin skin.

And you know what? IT HURT.

My Big has thus far ruined every major moment of what was supposed to be "triumph" for me in this pledging process. Let us recap:

SIB REVEALING: She didn't talk to me at all. While every other pledge bonded with their Bigs and their lines, she slept on top of a box instead. (She's small enough to do that.) So I spent what was supposed to be an awesomely fun day of bonding with the people who I am supposed to form the strongest bonds with in the fraternity sitting all by myself on a field of grass, venting out my anger and frustration on the blades of grass before me. Then I returned to my dorm and cried my fucking eyes out and seriously thought about DPing for the first time since I started pledging.

SHOWCASE: After our pledge class worked our asses off to pull off an AMAZING performance for the actives, everyone's bigs and lines rushed to the stage area with big balloons, beautiful bouquets of flowers, huge homemade signs with their little's names on them, and most importantly, warm hugs and words of congratulations for their littles. Except for my big and my line. They were nowhere to be found. So once again, I was all alone in a busy crowd of paired off/grouped up people. When I finally found my big and my line, we just stood around in awkward silence. No words of congratulations or encouragement or any indication that they had enjoyed the show whatsoever. While all of my pledge brothers were busy taking smiling picture after smiling picture with their Bigs, their lines, and their group mates, I just stood back and watched it all happen somberly.

And now ACTIVATION?

Fuck it. "Sacred ceremony," my ass.

I currently have an awesome dress and an awesome pair of heels waiting patiently to see the light of day in my closet but whether I will be dressed and ready to go with my $75 check at 4 pm this Sunday still remains a big question mark in my mind.

I could save myself an exorbitant amount of money that could be better spent on other things and use the time more wisely to write a few legal briefs that night.

Spending Sunday night in my ruby red Lowell shorts, curled up with my 503 page reader and a highlighter sure sounds appealing to me right now.

Humanities Majors = ♥!!

A few words of wisdom:

"Only go to law school if you really want to become a lawyer. Don't go to law school because you like to study law. That's like saying you want to go to med school because you "like to study medicine" and are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood and has no intention of becoming a doctor. Law school is there to train you to become a LAW-YER. If you like to study law, congratulations because you have just enrolled in a course all about law."

It is only the third day of spring quarter and the second official day of classes for me and I have already dropped a course (a history seminar I was really interested in taking) and am panicky and overwhelmed by the amount of reading I am already falling behind on.

I had an awesome spring break. My classes and professors this quarter are all very blog-worthy. Activation for my pledge class is coming up this Sunday so I definitely have a lot to say about that.

But look at this:


Those are three readers for three of my four classes this quarter. I also currently have nine books sitting on my bookshelf and am still waiting to purchase three more.

Professors employing "modified law school teaching style" a.k.a. the Socratic method in two of my classes this quarter means NO FALLING BEHIND ON READING OR I AM FUCKING SCREWED, so I am off to read about early twentieth century Paris and to finish a long legal document concerning NEPA, CAA, and NAFTA for my classes tomorrow. I already spent about three hours reading about women and communism in twentieth century Europe tonight.

(Communism? Feminism?? Of course, I loved every minute of it.)


Here are my readers again, but this time with my finger on the side for scale.

The thick one is over 500 pages long and the other two are 250-300ish pages each.

I don't understand why my 500+ page reader is NOT SPIRAL BOUND - the pages are already feeling loose and I have only read about five pages. Grrrrr!

Tell me being a humanities major is "easy" now, science-supremacist bitches.

At least I love what I study. How many of you can say that when you are failing your chemistry class?

(P.S. I go to UCSD, home to thousands of holier-than-thou bioengineering/biochem/bio-anything majors who love to continuously bash on me and my majors, so I have the fucking right to be more bitter than 100% cacao about this.)

(P.P.S. 100% cacao is really bitter, by the way.)

Banana Pancakes

My Big took me and her grandlittle (who went to high school with me) out for a pancake brunch today. I ordered banana pancakes and made a comment about the Jack Johnson song.



(Actually, I ordered banana pancakes because OF the Jack Johnson song. It is such an awesome song!)

But... nobody at the table seemed to know what the fuck I was talking about when I pointed at the menu and squealed, "OMG! Banana Pancakes!! Just like that Jack Johnson song!!"

Honestly, I don't know how far I can carry on a relationship with someone who either a. doesn't like Jack Johnson (which I am pretty sure is the case with these people because they are all hip hop and R&B, all the time) or b. understands a reference I make but decides to leave me hanging and looking like an idiot because of his/her inherent jerkiness.

While I was chomping on my huge plate of banana pancakes, my twin joined us because he finished his Greek/Roman history final early. He sat down and started bitching about the class:

"You know what I realized? Humanities classes really aren't that difficult... you would think that with all the papers and reading, it would be hard, but it is actually pretty easy."

Fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou for yet another indirect insult aimed at me.

I wanted to slap him with one of my banana pancakes.

Since he hates pancakes, it would have been have doubly satisfying to do a little pancake-bitchslapping at the table.

The conversation continued:

"Did you know Karen wants to double major AND pick up a minor?"

"Why the hell would you want to do that?! You know it doesn't improve your job prospects, right?"

"..... I am actually INTERESTED in the subjects I want to study."

"Okay..."

I am so sorry for not being remotely interested in or planning on following in your get-rich-quick, Corporate-America-is-my-dream-job footsteps. How surprising is it really, given that I don't hate homeless people and fat people or think that all liberals are crazy like you do??

In my mind, the act of eating banana pancakes has always been the pinnacle of ultimate relaxation in a completely stress-free and chilled out state of mind.

Instead, I walked out of the pancake house fuming.

***

The pancakes weren't even that good; I could see the banana, but I couldn't even taste it.

Truthfully?

My back has been so sore during these past few weeks that it has been borderline "hurting." I have always avoided using any form of the word "hurt" to describe my relationship with my back to doctors; I guess admitting that my back "hurt" would be the same as admitting that this whole "scoliosis thing" was actually pretty serious.

Scratch the "borderline" - it really is hurting now.

And I am scared.

The first question my orthopedic surgeon will ask me when I go in to see him next Wednesday will probably be, "Does your back hurt?"

It is a simple question, but I honestly do not know how I will answer.

"Doctor" I-D-C

The new Yogurt World in Mira Mesa is awesome; is it just me or does the selection of fresh fruit seem more varied and fresher at this location? The colorful and funky decor and spaciousness of the new store made me realize how claustrophobic the Convoy location really is.

Now if Yogurt World would just switch from styrofoam cups to more environmentally friendly, biodegradable cups, it would be just about the most perfect establishment ever.

At Yogurt World:

Me, attempting to make small talk with my G6Big: "So, did you come to our showcase?"

G6Big: "No."

Me, still very cheerful due to the yogurt-induced euphoria: "Aww... why not? We worked so hard on it! It was AH-some!"

G6Big: "I. Don't. Care." (Not exaggerating!)

Me, intent on salvaging the conversation: "You really missed out! It was so--"

G6Big: "--...I don't care!"

That's just great, isn't it?

Well, he can take the masters in bullshit he is currently working toward and shove it.

I may be a vegetarian and a wannabe yogi, but even I do not believe that drinking a "prescription" of hot water, ginger, scallions, and orange peel will stave off an oncoming cold.

What an awesome application of a molecular biology degree from UCSD, no? A "respectable" science major turned into a wannabe hokey "doctor" of Asian superstitions - and people sneer at me when they find out I am a history major?!

Psh.

AND he doesn't even like Yogurt World.

"I can get my own fruit and yogurt at the grocery store."

... why are you at hanging out at a frozen yogurt shop then?

***

I called the 8:52 am caller back today and I found out that he did pick the wrong name in his phone book - three times on the same day.

-_-

Hi, I Am Caffeinated

Right after my alarm clock went off at 8:50 am this morning, I turned it off, rolled over in my bed, and decided to skip environmental studies for the fifth time this quarter to catch a few extra hours of sleep.

Then my phone started ringing loudly exactly two minutes after I rolled over.

It kept ringing. And ringing. And ringing.

I climbed down my lofted bed to retrieve my phone, swearing loudly at the empty room - who the fuck calls me at 8:52 am?!

"Leave a fucking message if it's something so goddamn important that you have to call me at 8:52 AM!" I thought angrily in my head.

When I finally dug my phone out from under all the crap on my desk, it, of course, stopped ringing.

I checked the missed calls list and was beyond surprised by the name I saw. Since there was no message, I assumed that the bastard probably dialed my number by accident.

I climbed groggily back into bed and spent ten minutes trying to go back to sleep.

No can do.

I guessed all that climbing and swearing woke me up for good, so I decided to go to class after all.

I somehow managed to stop and get breakfast at Summit AND get to class on time for the first time this quarter. It was pretty amazing.

***

I have been working on the final draft of my Muir 50 paper all night - it is pretty much ten-going-on-eleven pages of pure crap and I know I could have done much better if I had spent even half as much time on this class as I did on Muir 40 last quarter.

My Muir 40 instructor was beyond awesome and he motivated me to do well to impress him, but my Muir 50 instructor kind of... sucks. There has been a lot of unhelpful busy work in 50 and the she literally spends a majority of our class time standing in front of the room reading handouts aloud to us - I can read by myself, thankyouverymuch. Now can you teach me how to write a better research paper, please?

Her comments also annoy me because they can be pretty inconsistent - first she tells me my paragraph-long thesis is good when I ask her in person and then she writes a contradictory comment about my thesis on a draft we turned in... wtf?

I heard my 40 instructor mention that my current 50 instructor was extremely particular and picky in her grading last quarter... and I can thank my lovely roommate for recommending and encouraging me to take her old 40 instructor's class.

Grr.

Whatever. As disappointed as I am to know for a fact that my GPA will be taking a huge plunge this quarter, I think I am just going to have to live with it. An A in 40 means a lot more than an A in 50 anyway since A's are a helluva lot rarer in 40.

On a brighter note, I am a conclusion and a witty title away from finishing the Muir Writing Program!

***

Summit needs to start serving better coffee. I have resorted to paying $4 for gargantuan soy lattes at the coffee cart in front of Center Hall - they use soymilk fortified with calcium (yeah, so it's Costco-generic brand, but calcium!) AND grind the espresso beans for my shots right when I order my drink, so my latte actually tastes like something. Not like the watered down crap from the dining hall - I don't even think they use real espresso beans.

I love Peet's Coffee, but what the dining hall is serving in those Peet's cups puts the awesomeness of Peet's Coffee to shame.

***

The person who called me at 8:52 am called me twice in one hour while I was working on my paper. I didn't pick up. And he didn't leave a message either time.

I will call him back tomorrow to see what is up because I am curious now.

Y Halo Thar, Mr. Elephant

Spilled bottle of clear nail polish = ruined $20 foundation brush. Fuck.

Ruined foundation brush = catalyst for huge online shopping spree.

Staying up until 5 am for no productive reason = deliriously applying (and getting instantly approved) for another credit card with a surprisingly high limit for a college girl without a job.

***

Last quarter, I filled out a wellness survey that the UCSD Wellness Center emailed to me and I was selected again this quarter as one of the follow-up subjects for the survey.

Reading the familiar survey questions and picking completely different answers on the 1-5 scale about three months later opened my eyes to the purple-elephant of a problem that has been growing exponentially in front of my face since the beginning of this quarter: I am not happy.

It does not get any more complicated than those four little words: I AM NOT HAPPY.

I have been a fucking bipolar mess this quarter.

Everything is kind of falling apart now and I am not sure how I am going to deal with all the pieces once they fall. Sometimes I just want to cry.

After a short committee meeting last night, I ran into one of my pledge sisters on the way back to my dorm. What started out as a simple "Hey, what's up?" conversation on a street corner somehow evolved into a FIVE-HOUR long conversation.

I spilled all of the anxieties I had with the fraternity, my line and my family that had been piling up in the back of my mind to her. Now I just really hope that none of the things I said comes back to bite me in the ass.

Spring Break is coming up, which means yet another round of X-Rays, another visit to the orthopedic surgeon's office, and what could quite possibly be one of the hardest decisions I will ever have to make in my life are waiting for me just around the corner. Once I am done worrying and fretting about all this fraternity drama and finals week, thoughts and talk of my spine will basically be consuming my life.

Obviously, I am freaking the fuck out about this... but why have I been subconsciously hiding this HUGE part of my life from everybody in the fraternity as if it were my dirty little secret?

I have mentioned that I had scoliosis to a grand total of two people.

And it was only in passing during an interview party.

And they were two people whom I was certain would not care enough to remember that little detail about me.

Nobody knows about the prospects of major surgery and how the very idea of it is slowly driving me crazy.

I love our pledge class t-shirts, but the American Apparel tees that our S@A chose turned out to be much more form-fitting than the Threadless AA tees I was used to wearing; I was so conscious of my twisted hip and how obviously it could have been seen in my tight shirt that I was very uncomfortable all throughout showcase.

God, I hate my body.

CODE RED: EMERGENCY!!

I lost my Berry Smooth Neutrogena Lip Balm, which is quite possibly the one thing (aside from water) that I simply cannot live without, about two weeks ago.


I have been using the last of my last-resort, stashed-away container of before-they-changed-the-formula Berry Smooth while I searched high and low for my missing pot of lip balm.

I used up my last-resort, saved-for-a-rainy-day container COMPLETELY yesterday.

If licking the pot clean would have gotten some more lip balm onto my lips, I would totally have gladly done so.

That was how desperate I was. And still am right now.

Why yes, I am dying without my lip balm, thankyouverymuchforasking!

I am antsy, uncomfortable, and unable to focus on anything but my chapped, chapped, chapped, if-I-open-my-mouth-too-wide-I-am-certain-they-will-split-in-two-allowing-warm-salty-blood-to-gush-down-my-face lips without my lip balm.

Ahhhhh...

So this is what withdrawal feels like.

I'm Not Crazy, Just a Little Unwell

Last night, I slept for thirteen hours - which was more than what I usually got in three or four days combined. I got back to my dorm before 10:30 pm on a Sunday night for the first time since I started pledging tonight. All should be well, but why do I just want to break down and cry?



About a week ago, I noticed that my thumb kind of hurt as I groggily went through my after-shower morning routine. As I put my comb down and reached for my keys (because naturally, I was running late), I was stunned to see a steady stream of bright red blood gushing down my right hand.

I have no idea how I managed to cut my thumb so badly or how I failed to notice such a big wound for such a long time.

It has been a week. I am running out of Hello Kitty band aids. And the wound still has not healed yet.

If I put even the slightest pressure on the area, it will start bleeding again.

I am a little worried. I think my bad eating habits are to blame.

Damn you Summit for not stocking the salad bar with any protein-rich beans or other goodies lately. Where are my vegetable and bean soups? Screw the creamy and cheesy vegetarian soups! And why does the only vegetarian option for the prepared daily pizza slices always come loaded with black olives? I hate olives with a passion; even if I pick them all off my slice, the already-infused olive flavor won't go away!

Yeah, so I have been eating like shit lately, which means I have been feeling like shit too.

I have been reading and browsing through daily San Francisco reviews on Yelp and I am really missing home food and all the awesome food options there are in San Francisco. One day I am craving Blondie's pizza, the next it is spicy samosas and potato-filled naan or light and crispy falafels and creamy hummus. My mouth is literally salivating as I read the reviews. I even had a dream about eating my mom's still-bright green and crunchy steamed broccoli and my favorite spicy peppered tofu dish last night.

Sigh.

I wanted to go to OVT to pick up a pint of Ben and Jerry's and lock myself in the nerd box with it tonight. I knew it would make me sick (damn lactose intolerance!), but the cliched depressed act of attacking a good ol' pint of B&J's felt like the right thing to do at the time. Unfortunately (or luckily, for my stomach), there were no appealing flavors left at OVT by the time I got there after my pledge meeting, so I walked out with a handful of Luna Bars and a bag of Oat Bran pretzel sticks instead.

Then I walked around campus, crunching absentmindedly on pretzel sticks while staring at the stars in the sky.

Now I am sitting in the nerd box and really wishing that I had that ice cream with me.

Or Yogurt World. I could really go for some Yogurt World right now.

"Cheer up, emo kid!"

"Asian Fail" = FAILURE, Literally

My pledge final, on which I must score 90% or higher in order to pass, is tomorrow night. All the hard work and dedication we put into pledging in the fraternity will basically be put to the test during our next pledge meeting - the fate of our future in the fraternity hinges on the results of that one exam.

This will be one of those rare instances when an "Asian fail" on an exam translates literally into failure.

89.5%? Sorry, automatic DP!

As ambivalent as I have been feeling about the fraternity as a whole throughout the pledging process, I really don't want to fail tomorrow. The quarter ends in two weeks, I will have basically completed all of my pledge requirements (and then some) by the end of this week, and it would just suck major ass to get DP'd after all the time, energy, and money I devoted to pledging. Not to mention all the time, energy, and money my Big has devoted to me, her "good" little.

"Fourth little's the charm," she mused at my G3Big's kitchen table a few days ago. She has been so certain that I would cross on April 6th that I don't even want to imagine how disappointed and crushed she would feel if I ended up failing the final tomorrow.

During our post pledge service food fellowship at Summit earlier today, the conversation naturally drifted over to the impending final exam.

"There are over 70 people in our class right now... as much as I don't want it to happen, I know that there will inevitably be some people who will be DP'd in the next few weeks because they either didn't pass the pledge final, couldn't complete all of their requirements, missed a signature, or just fucked up with the req sheets, and I am afraid one of those people will be me," one of my pledge sisters sighed over her half-eaten meat sandwich with 7-grain bread and garlic-cilantro mayo.

I agree that a few last minute DPs will be inevitable with a class as big as ours; there are still people scrambling to finish their hours and week 9 is about to start. Hours were probably one of the easiest requirements on my sheet too.

As the conversation at the table continued, we eventually began discussing what each of us would do if we were hypothetically one of the few who would get DP'd at the end.

Honestly, I don't know if I would pledge again in the Fall if I didn't cross this quarter.

I would really have to think long and hard about it... and pay close attention to the 2008-2009 EBoard election results.

All Drops and No Loopy Loops

I have also used the phrase "emotional roller coaster" to describe my feelings about pledging for the fraternity more than once in the past and the events of this past week definitely exemplified all the subtle things about the fraternity that made my experiences in it such a roller coaster ride-like series of ups and downs.

UP: Saturday "dinner and a movie" night out with my Big with a great meal at SipZ and an extremely cute chick flick, "27 Dresses"

UP: Got to sleep in and bum around on Sunday/Monday because of the three-day weekend and rescheduled GBM

DOWN: Super long Tuesday GBM

DOWN: Gross, rainy weather all day with no umbrella

DOWN: All-nighter for research paper draft

DOWN: Family Potluck

UP: IC Event at Guppy House in Anaheim

UP: Tutoring at Bayview Baptist Church and YOGURT WORLD afterwards with our old woman

DOWN: Walk for Life at 5:30 am in the rain - our "job" was to stand out in the mud and freeze our asses off for four hours

DOWN: Showcase filming

DOWN: Family event at TapEx

UP: A little bonding with two pledge brothers on the way to GBM

UP: Getting mugged unexpectedly by our awesome old woman at GBM for being a great chair

DOWN: Getting criticized by eBoard for being a bad pledge class

UP: Surprise "Bonding Bonfire"

DOWN: Realizing that people didn't actually take the activity seriously and seeing some serious faults in our pledge class clearly for the first time

Anybody want to graph that for me?

***

Earlier this week, our PT emailed our class to tell us to dress warmly for Sunday's meeting because he had a surprise for us after our pledge meeting.

After all the warnings of "DRESS WARMLY!!" prior to and during pledge retreat, I was sure everyone in our class was worried about what the surprise he had planned could possibly have been.

Myself included, of course.

During our pledge meeting, our old woman had each of us take out a piece of paper and write down a regret, fear, or some secret we had never shared with anybody else before - PostSecret style. We then folded up our papers and handed them to her.

After our pledge meeting, we were taken to a "secret location" by the actives for our "secret surprise" activity.

It turned out that we were headed for La Jolla Shores.

For a bonfire.

The first (and only time) I was at La Jolla Shores for our "S'mores by the Shores" bonfire during Welcome Week, the weather was perfect and the sky was a breathtakingly pink and orange color when the sun began to set.

This time, the night sky was engulfed by fog and it was so dark out that I could barely make out the faces of the pledge brothers standing next to me. However, as we all huddled around the roaring fire, we bonded a little more while postulating about the surprise our PT had planned for us.

Soon, our PT was passing around the folded up secrets we had all written during the meeting and told us to read the papers we received out loud for all to hear.

It didn't take long for the tears to start streaming down my face.

At the end, we all tossed our papers into the fire and watched all seventy-ish crumpled balls of paper disappear into the flames.

The speech one of my fellow pledges made at the end of the activity completely pushed me over the edge and the silent tears instantly escalated to uncontrollable sobs.

I was not the only one bawling.

But apparently, I was one of the only people who took the activity for more than its face value.

Immediately after our circle broke apart, someone came up to me and asked me if we could go home yet in an exasperated voice, which was a clear indicator that she was not only unaffected by all the powerful emotions expressed at the bonfire just minutes ago, but was actually bored and apathetic like she always was.

After a few rounds of tight bear hugs at the edge of the beach's parking lot as we all waited for our drivers to retrieve their cars, one of the standoffish guys in my car came up to me and exclaimed, "Goddamn, I am hungry. Do you know what time El Mercado closes?" And then proceeds to talk about nothing but food for the next five or so minutes.

Seriously?? I was absolutely stunned; after such an emotionally triggering activity, all this guy could think about was food and how to satiate his hunger? You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Then I tuned in to my surroundings a little more and realized that there were a lot of people complaining and whining about how late it was and joking about random topics as if the bonfire had not happened at all. I had expected my class to be more somber and subdued after the overwhelming wave of emotions that had washed over all of us while we were in that bonfire circle, but that was clearly not the case for a majority of us.

The activity was supposed to symbolize letting go of all our regrets and learning to come together as a pledge class. In theory, it was another great, "pledge retreaty" metaphor of an activity to illustrate that point. But in practice, it was pretty clear off the bat that it wasn't going to be completely successful.

That's exactly how I feel about the fraternity.

In theory or on paper, this fraternity is the perfect organization for me to join; when I told an acquaintance from high school about my doubts before deciding to become an official pledge, she expressed surprise at hearing that I had any doubts at all because she was so sure that I would have jumped at the chance to become a "brother" based on the activities I devoted most of my time to in high school.

But in reality, things are not looking that great. I am not going to give up and admit defeat now that I am so close to the end and have already devoted so much time and energy to the fraternity, but I just want to make it clear that things really are not as great as they may seem or are supposed to be.

Sometimes I wonder if the problem lies solely with me.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means to Me

To be completely honest, I was pretty depressed about the whole pledging process and the fraternity in general last week. How many times have I already used a sentence like that to describe how I felt about the fraternity?

Definitely way too many times to count by now.

Last week, we had a Tuesday night GBM to make up for the one we missed during the three-day weekend that ran pretty late into the night. I don't even remember what happened at that GBM, but I don't think I got back to my room until past midnight.

The weather in La Jolla was gray, wet, cold, and just gross in general for most of the week. I couldn't find my umbrella so I walked all around campus to my classes in the rain.

I still can't find my umbrella.

I had a kind-of-a-big-deal second draft of my research paper due in class that Thursday and pulled an all-nighter to get that partially done. No matter how busy or stressed out I was before this quarter, I have never had to pull all-nighters; they now make regular appearances in my life at least once or twice per week.

Sleep, I miss you dearly.

I briefly attended one of the "biggest Omega traditions," our quarterly potluck on Thursday night, and felt completely out of place and alone in the house full of strangers who supposedly made up my close-knit Greek family. Whenever food is involved in any kind of event or outing with my family or even my line (who are supposed to be the "cool" Omegas with whom I am supposed to form the closest bonds), I constantly feel attacked for being a vegetarian.

Yes, attacked.

As if I do not already feel like enough of an outsider in my family, my personal choice to not eat meat seems to make me absolutely unacceptable in the eyes of these people.

I fucking get that you guys LOVE meat, and I respect your choices to support environmentally harmful, cruel factory farming practices of the meat industry by eating helpless animals who were once alive and living in ethically questionable conditions so fucking respect mine to not to partake in actions that violate my personal moral code.



I have never had a problem with my friends or family eating meat and I have never attempted to go all "Veggie Nazi" on them or try to "convert" them to vegetarianism, but the responses and comments I have had to field from these people piss me off so much that I am constantly tempted to respond to their comments with angry rants about how they are all horrible people for eating unethical meat, just to pick a fight with them.


I do have an "A"-worthy, seven-page research paper's worth of information about vegetarianism and the cruelties of factory farming to support my argument, after all.


If I have to sit through another car ride where the conversation about food and my vegetarianism makes the implication that my personal choice is silly or outrageous in some way, I think I might just explode like that.

Don't even get me started on talk about the conflicting political ideology and ideas about social issues in my line.

"Are you Republican or something?"

"Yeah... I am."

Let's just leave it at that.

Differences in choices and ideas, I can deal with. But when respect and tolerance go out the door, so do my patience and acceptance.

It is not an one-way road, after all.

Sleep All Day

I got more hours of sleep last night than I did all weekend combined.

Only because I skipped yoga (third missed class in a row, dammit) and my 10 am environmental studies class.

And I still spent less than eight hours in bed.

I didn't even have any coffee today.

How am I still functioning?

It took all the motivation in the world to get me out of bed in time for my second class of the day; my alarm went off for the fourth time that morning exactly twenty minutes before my 12 pm political inquiry class and I was this close to pulling the plug, tossing the damn clock against the cinder block wall, and spending the rest of the day completely uninterrupted and knocked out in bed.

I desperately need a day like that.



I am so physically drained from life as a pledge in general and so, so, so emotionally drained from last night.

I really just need to sleep.

A little time to recharge is all I need.

Please.

♥, Through the Stomach

Some things that I learned in the past three days:

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE frozen yogurt and would totally consider living in socal forever just because there are so many frozen yogurt places here and practically none back home. After my first taste of the awesomeness that is Yogurt World, I now crave it constantly at the weirdest hours.


Like right now. (Even though I am still stuffed from my dinner/boba/movie night with my Big.)

Speaking of my Big, she (like fro-yo) is pretty awesome too. Two nights out on her in three days and she still doesn't think she is spoiling me!

She took me to a vegetarian fusion (or should I say fuZion) cafe called SipZ tonight; everything about the restaurant was really cool and I definitely see myself wanting to go back for another meal some time very soon.

The menu was huge, there was this free-spirited hippie-ness about the restaurant that I loved, and the food was surprisingly tasty, even to non-vegetarians. I have to admit that the idea of fake meat still kind of freaks me out (and my fake "shrimp," which looked JUST like real shrimp by the way, tasted kind of funny to me), but after a few bites of her fake "chicken" udon, my Big, a decidedly omnivorous meat-lover, declared that she thought the pieces of "meat" actually tasted like real chicken.

There were so many other things that I wanted to try... good thing my Big promised to take me back again and to plan a possible line dinner there in the near future!

I am still feeling pretty ambivalent about the fraternity because I don't feel like I am really connecting with my fellow pledges or the other actives, but I think my Big and my line are reasons enough to stick with it. I would feel way too guilty to give up after all the love they have shown me in the past week alone.

Spring Ahead

I registered for my Spring classes this morning:


HIEU 146: Fascism, Communism, and the Crisis of Liberal Democracy: Europe 1919–1945
HIEU 129: Paris, Past and Present
HITO 87: Problems in Religion and the Law -- A Comparative Perspective (Freshman Seminar)
FILM 87: Cult Films (Fantasy & Weirdly Dramatic) of the 1950s to 2000s (Freshman Seminar)
ENVR 110: Environmental Law
POLI 104D: Judicial Politics

Four day weekends; Yay!

Night classes until 8 pm; Booo...

I am actually really excited about my classes next quarter because they actually sound interesting, but the four reading-intensive upper division courses PLUS the three finals scheduled for Tuesday of finals week also makes my new schedule a little intimidating. Hopefully one of those Tuesday finals will a final paper/project due in class instead of an exam, or else I might have to go beg one of the professors to let me take an alternate final.

***

Someone approached me at a committee meeting today about a rumor that has apparently been circulating in the past day or so that I was going to DP at sib revealing because I found out I was an Omega; only one person in my line knew I was not exactly the happiest girl on earth at sib revealing and I never mentioned anything about being upset about the Omegas to anybody here on campus, so I was definitely a little taken aback. I also never mentioned anything whatsoever about DPing before a short 1 am conversation last night with the friend who convinced me to pledge with her.

I don't exactly know how to react to this, especially since there was a lot of truth in what the girl who "heard" the rumor confronted me about tonight.

But I have a buttload of tedious, technical reading about policy making and regulations to catch up on and a paper to write for tomorrow, so I can't dwell on this too much.

Frozen yogurt with the line tonight! :)

Big Girls Don't Cry

Is it okay that I have been bursting into tears after fraternity events three days in a row now?

On the surface, for different reasons.

But in reality, not really.

A few letters are on my mind right now, but they are not the ones I would have the "privilege" of wearing after I cross.

Sometimes I feel like I am shooting myself in the foot for the stupid things that come out of my mouth and into the wrong ears. I have just been so exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and physically, lately that I am literally not thinking rationally anymore.

I feel like I have nobody to talk to about the way I feel. Seeing everybody else so happy just makes me feel worse.

I really just want to sleep.

One Cohesive Unit

Before pledge retreat, the idea of depledging was definitely on my mind. I had so many apprehensions about pledging coming into it, and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to break out of my familiar routines and step outside of my comfort zone to embrace the fraternity.

As we were all disassembling our tents with our tent-mates in the pouring rain at the end of retreat, I still had pretty mixed feelings about all the things that had happened over the weekend. However, on the car ride back to campus, my super cute driver asked us what we thought of retreat and for some strange reason my voice was the first to respond to her question.

"I had a lot of fun and retreat made me feel more like I was part of the fraternity and I like being part of it a lot more now," I said.

At the time I felt like I was lying when I said those words because I was soaking wet, felt like absolute shit and honestly did not know if I really had fun at retreat, but as strange as it may sound, the moment those words came out of my mouth, I started believing what I had said.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized how amazing retreat really was.

The actives and our PTA worked so hard to plan and execute all the activities we did this weekend, and I am really grateful for all of their hard work and support throughout the entire experience.

The first games we played in the dark on our first night at the campsite were fun, but they were nothing compared to the hardcore activities planned for our second day at the camp.

My favorite game on the first night was probably "Huggie Bears" because I was one of the winners! Who knew a hugging game could get SO INTENSE?!

The second day was jam-packed with activities and we didn't get to sleep until 4:30 am; even eating breakfast at 7:30 am turned into a bonding activity that taught our class an important lesson.

(All time-telling devices were prohibited and I only found out the times after retreat from my driver.)

The after-lunch activity was the ultimate traditional retreat challenge that all pledges of the fraternity had to experience; it took our class seven hours and forty minutes to complete the challenge and we weren't allowed to eat dinner until it was over.

My driver found me during lunch and told me to wear WARM clothes for the activity and several people came up to me and asked me if I was wearing enough layers; I had on a fleece, a sweatshirt, a down vest and a wool scarf, so I didn't think I could possibly put on any more clothes.

Boy, was I wrong.

A few more pairs of socks and maybe another sweatshirt and another pair of pants would have been nice.

Those seven hours and forty minutes were the most mentally and physically grueling seven hours and forty minutes I have experienced in my entire life.

I was violently shivering the entire time. I couldn't feel my toes at all and it was excruciatingly painful when I tried to wiggle them. I was starving and completely dehydrated at the same time. I was also worried and scared out of my wits about the safety of my fellow pledge brothers who attempted several risky stunts, especially when one of them tumbled headfirst toward the ground from about six feet in the air and landed on his jaw.

Even when the guys (who all became superheros in my eyes after that night) figured out a feasible plan of action, I was very scared and nervous about what would happen when my turn came; people were discussing tucking and rolling techniques and what to do if something went wrong and thoughts of falling to the ground scared the shit out of me.

I inched toward the front lines a couple of times, but always chickened out at the last minute and shuffled back to the back of our confinement zone. After the big discouraging blow that had everyone doubting our strategy, we were all extremely frustrated; I curled up into a ball on the dirt in the back and sat there shivering by myself, feeling completely dejected and depressed.

It didn't help that it was pitch black out and I was freezing.

I wanted to cry because I was so cold and so scared about what I had to eventually do.

But the guys never gave up hope, and before long, they were on a roll again.

One girl (who, I am proud to say, is now Madame President of our class) in particular stood out by being especially encouraging and supportive; I seriously do not think I could have survived the night without her words of comfort. Even though she was very nervous about the task too, she stayed positive and strong and cheered everyone on; she eventually went over herself and when she was sent back, she excitedly came up to all of the scared girls standing in the back and told us all how it was nothing to be scared of at all because all the guys "literally have your backs."

I was still very, very scared, but she convinced me to do it.

So I got in line, and soon it was my turn.

I held my breath, crossed my arms, leaned back, closed my eyes and was effortlessly lifted high up in the air by our super strong superheros on the front line.

Even though I was lifted about six feet in the air, I felt completely supported and safe 100% of the way over; the guys in our class are seriously superheros.

(How many times have I used "superhero" to describe my pledge brothers? I don't like sounding repetitive, but that is the only word I can think of to sum up their awesomeness.)

When I landed on the other side, I instantly felt warmer and happier; I spent the next hour or two yelling and cheering for everybody else, and before we knew it, there was only one person left on the other side.

We were all extremely jubilant and excited - we were SO CLOSE to reaching our goal.

Then we failed.

Again.

And again.

And again.

It probably took us at least two or three hours to figure out how to get the last person over. The longer it took, the colder, hungrier, and more discouraged we all felt, but once again, the guys on the front line never gave up hope.

After several spectacularly unsuccessful attempts, our PT came to us and asked us if we wanted to give up and go eat dinner back at the campsite. Even though I was freezing, starving, dehydrated, and depressed, I immediately yelled, "NO!" without even thinking about it along with the rest of my class.

We all knew in our hearts that we couldn't give up. We were "one cohesive unit," after all.

It was a good thing we didn't give up because we did it in the end.

We really did it.

I still cannot believe that we managed to do what we did; the guys are freaking superheros!

(Again!)

When our PT stood in front of us and gave a little speech about how proud he was of what our class accomplished, my eyes immediately began to tear up and soon I was silently bawling my eyes out. All of the strong emotions I experienced that night bubbled over and I just could not stop myself from crying.

Good thing it was pitch black outside.

Even though I was very happy that we completed the challenge, I was so hungry and exhausted by the time we got back to camp that all I wanted to do was crawl into my sleeping bag and sleep. But I couldn't do that - we had a LONG night ahead of us, and I grew more irritated and antisocial as the night dragged on.

Then it started raining.

And our tent leaked and my stuff got completely soaked.

We had a few more concluding activities that morning before we left the campsite, and they were all very eye-opening.

After I got back to campus, took off all of my soaking wet clothes, and hopped in the shower with steaming hot water on at full blast (I had forgotten how amazing HOT water felt), I realized just how out-of-this-world my retreat experiences were.

Like our PT said during one of his speeches, we may have felt like shit, but we all got through it together as a class.

We are truly ONE COHESIVE UNIT and we are never going to forget that.

I couldn't be prouder of our class and everything we accomplished.

♥

NSSN #1

Pledge retreat was this weekend, and I got a grand total of about eight hours of sleep during the Friday and Saturday nights spent at the "secret" campsite. There will be no sleep on this Sunday night because I have a massive amount of work to catch up on (thank god I don't have class this Tuesday and can spend the day trying to figure figure out how fogs, clouds, and all the other atmospheric phenomena form for my Wednesday midterm); I am so mentally and physically exhausted.

I spent almost two hours preparing to write an essay on an article for my environmental studies class before I looked at the prompt again and realized that I had been reading and outlining the wrong article.

FUCK.

Hence the "No-Sleep Sunday-Night," or NSSN, I am spending in the nerd box with an (unfortunately) empty coffee cup and half of a ciabatta grilled cheese sandwich (which I just finished eating).

I feel kind of discouraged.

My yoga/pilates class starts in less four hours.

Both of my papers are due in less six hours.

AND I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.

Five pledges were caught without their pins this week, so all 75 of the remaining pledges have to wear homemade paper "pins" that are five times as big as the original one in addition to the real pledge pin for the entire week:


That's really big.

Was it, and is it worth all of this?

Well, let's put it this way - even though I still don't know all of the lyrics, the Toast Song has been stuck in my head for the last three days and instead of driving me crazy, humming the melody at random times kind of makes me happy.

Daily working, daily striving....

6:22 PM, A Tuesday Evening

About fourteen hours after my Monday morning yoga/pilates class, my abs suddenly began to feel sore. Really, really sore.

Now it kind of feels like the left side of my body is bruised where the rib bone sticks out.

Ouch.

My new sneakers came in the mail yesterday:


I really wanted these sneakers and were willing to spend $50ish for them at Sears when I first saw them, but they didn't have a size 8 in blue.

Since I never wear sneakers anyway and only needed a pair around because I forgot to bring mine back after winter break, the $29.99 sale sneakers from shoes.com were fine.

(They look better in real life.)

Now I don't have any more excuses to not go to the gym... except for the whole "lack of time" thing, of course.

I also need to buy more socks.

The scary green juice in the Naked refrigerator in the dining hall always kind of freaked me out, but the flavor I usually drank (the one with 2000% Vitamin C in one bottle!) was sold out, so I decided to give the green juice a try:


Surprisingly, it was delicious! Who knew a mix of spirulina, chlorella, blue green algae, spinach, and broccoli in juice could be so tasty?

I buy one every day now.

Water is usually my drink of choice, but when I realized that I was more than $200 above budget with my dining dollars after winter break, I decided to start buying the expensive super-vitamin C packed juices in hopes of getting better sooner and spending more dining dollars.

My dorm reeks of cooked ground beef and cheap cheddar cheese right now because both of my roommates are eating the nasty-looking, crumbly meat "casserole" from the dining hall for dinner.

Yuck.

I haven't used daily planners to keep track of the things I needed to do since middle school, but with all the pledge activities and all the fast deadlines for classes in the quarter system, I couldn't keep the dates straight in my head anymore and had to dig my free JMC planner out from under a pile of crap to help me keep on top of things this quarter.

Now that everything is written in the planner, staring at the packed pages makes me feel insanely overwhelmed.

Maybe I will find the time to procrastinate late next week if I pencil it in now.

Pledging Anxiety

My first GBM and pledge meeting were tonight; it was the first time our entire 82-person pledge class was put together in the same room, and just being part of such a massive mob of people was... a bit overwhelming, to say the least. I have never seen a lecture hall so packed before.

The GBM started at 6 pm and I didn't get back to my dorm until around 10:30 pm - we spent over four hours at the two meetings tonight, so when I told my roommates that I was "exhausted" when I got back to the dorm, I meant it.

Even though the GBM was pretty long (it lasted about two hours), it was also quite entertaining. Membership came up with this crazy family competition, where a three-person team representing each family raced each other to see which family could finish an entire loaf of wheat bread and a huge bottle of orange Gatorade first. For some reason, watching people gorge themselves in eating competitions is always grossly entertaining.

At the pledge meeting, we were bombarded by information about the fraternity and our PT taught us the "Toast Song." Each of us also had to go up in front of the packed lecture hall and introduce ourselves by making up a short rap:

Hi, my name is Karen.
I don't eat meat,
and I have size seven-and-a-half feet.

(Super lame, I know.)

We also got more information about our camping retreat coming up this weekend. I still need to get my hands on a sleeping bag/flashlight and prepare myself for spending three days and two nights out in an "undisclosed location" in the woods with eighty-two pledge "brothers"... WITH NO SHOWERS.

When the PT said "no showers," all the people in the front of the room burst into uncontrollable laughter because all 82 jaws dropped and 164 saucer-sized eyeballs were staring back at them.

There were some ha-ha moments and most people seemed reasonably friendly, but honestly, I have not been feeling the excitement or "love" of the fraternity yet. Every active I talked to raved about how awesome pledge retreat was for them and how they got to know their entire pledge classes over that one weekend, but I still have some doubts and reservations about what's going to change after our retreat this weekend.

Right now, I don't feel particularly connected to anybody besides the two semi-friends I kind of "know" from high school who are pledging with me; remember when I said I felt lonely in my dorm despite the constant presence of my two non-speaking roommates? Well, multiply that feeling by about forty, and you would get a pretty accurate picture of how I felt sitting with my pledge class tonight.

I admit that the loneliness was partially due to my lack of effort to strike up conversations with the people around me, but by the time the GBM was over, I felt completely drained of energy and was not in a small-talk initiating kind of mood. Stepping outside of my "comfort zone" will definitely be a challenge for me during this pledging process (especially since we will have to be interviewing seventy-ish strangers in addition to our entire pledge class).

It totally didn't help that I was feeling particularly self-conscious and a little light-headed from dehydration tonight. Note to self: bring Nalgene and LIP BALM to future meetings.

Not only is my pledge class huge, but the composition of my class also worries me a little; at installations, I noticed quite a few other people from my House who were also there to become official pledges. Since my roommate and I went around and kind of "met" most of them during the first few weeks of college and then literally disappeared from the House social scene afterwards, seeing all of these strangers-but-not-really again was awkward and will undoubtedly lead to some awkward conversations in the near future.

Interacting with one particular stranger-but-not-really I spotted there (who also spotted me) will be especially awkward and is definitely not something I am looking forward to doing. During welcome week, my roommate and I met him and his friend while we were up chatting and doing laundry for the first time on our own late one night and had a pretty good conversation with them.

A few days later, we saw him at a House meeting and found out that he had forgotten our names. We were both more than a little offended because it wasn't like we had just met in passing or something - we had spent a lot of time chatting on the couches.

After that incident, awkwardness tinged every subsequent encounter and we eventually stopped talking to each other.

I think we're working on ignoring each other now.

Having all these other House people I have weird, not-really-nonexistent relationships with in my pledge class definitely makes stepping outside of my "comfort zone" a little harder.

With all that said, I have only been a pledge for less than a week, so maybe the ambivalence and overwhelming-panicky feeling of aloneness are only natural parts of the transitional period.

I guess we'll see soon enough if I have what it takes to become a "brother*."

* Just a side note, but the fact that "brother" is the term used to described all active members of the "fraternity" (another sexist word that I have a problem with), even though about two-thirds of the members (in our chapter at least) are female, really irks the feminist in me. We need more non-sexist words in the English language!!