I have also used the phrase "emotional roller coaster" to describe my feelings about pledging for the fraternity more than once in the past and the events of this past week definitely exemplified all the subtle things about the fraternity that made my experiences in it such a roller coaster ride-like series of ups and downs.
UP: Saturday "dinner and a movie" night out with my Big with a great meal at SipZ and an extremely cute chick flick, "27 Dresses"
UP: Got to sleep in and bum around on Sunday/Monday because of the three-day weekend and rescheduled GBM
DOWN: Super long Tuesday GBM
DOWN: Gross, rainy weather all day with no umbrella
DOWN: All-nighter for research paper draft
DOWN: Family Potluck
UP: IC Event at Guppy House in Anaheim
UP: Tutoring at Bayview Baptist Church and YOGURT WORLD afterwards with our old woman
DOWN: Walk for Life at 5:30 am in the rain - our "job" was to stand out in the mud and freeze our asses off for four hours
DOWN: Showcase filming
DOWN: Family event at TapEx
UP: A little bonding with two pledge brothers on the way to GBM
UP: Getting mugged unexpectedly by our awesome old woman at GBM for being a great chair
DOWN: Getting criticized by eBoard for being a bad pledge class
UP: Surprise "Bonding Bonfire"
DOWN: Realizing that people didn't actually take the activity seriously and seeing some serious faults in our pledge class clearly for the first time
Anybody want to graph that for me?
***
Earlier this week, our PT emailed our class to tell us to dress warmly for Sunday's meeting because he had a surprise for us after our pledge meeting.
After all the warnings of "DRESS WARMLY!!" prior to and during pledge retreat, I was sure everyone in our class was worried about what the surprise he had planned could possibly have been.
Myself included, of course.
During our pledge meeting, our old woman had each of us take out a piece of paper and write down a regret, fear, or some secret we had never shared with anybody else before - PostSecret style. We then folded up our papers and handed them to her.
After our pledge meeting, we were taken to a "secret location" by the actives for our "secret surprise" activity.
It turned out that we were headed for La Jolla Shores.
For a bonfire.
The first (and only time) I was at La Jolla Shores for our "S'mores by the Shores" bonfire during Welcome Week, the weather was perfect and the sky was a breathtakingly pink and orange color when the sun began to set.
This time, the night sky was engulfed by fog and it was so dark out that I could barely make out the faces of the pledge brothers standing next to me. However, as we all huddled around the roaring fire, we bonded a little more while postulating about the surprise our PT had planned for us.
Soon, our PT was passing around the folded up secrets we had all written during the meeting and told us to read the papers we received out loud for all to hear.
It didn't take long for the tears to start streaming down my face.
At the end, we all tossed our papers into the fire and watched all seventy-ish crumpled balls of paper disappear into the flames.
The speech one of my fellow pledges made at the end of the activity completely pushed me over the edge and the silent tears instantly escalated to uncontrollable sobs.
I was not the only one bawling.
But apparently, I was one of the only people who took the activity for more than its face value.
Immediately after our circle broke apart, someone came up to me and asked me if we could go home yet in an exasperated voice, which was a clear indicator that she was not only unaffected by all the powerful emotions expressed at the bonfire just minutes ago, but was actually bored and apathetic like she always was.
After a few rounds of tight bear hugs at the edge of the beach's parking lot as we all waited for our drivers to retrieve their cars, one of the standoffish guys in my car came up to me and exclaimed, "Goddamn, I am hungry. Do you know what time El Mercado closes?" And then proceeds to talk about nothing but food for the next five or so minutes.
Seriously?? I was absolutely stunned; after such an emotionally triggering activity, all this guy could think about was food and how to satiate his hunger? You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Then I tuned in to my surroundings a little more and realized that there were a lot of people complaining and whining about how late it was and joking about random topics as if the bonfire had not happened at all. I had expected my class to be more somber and subdued after the overwhelming wave of emotions that had washed over all of us while we were in that bonfire circle, but that was clearly not the case for a majority of us.
The activity was supposed to symbolize letting go of all our regrets and learning to come together as a pledge class. In theory, it was another great, "pledge retreaty" metaphor of an activity to illustrate that point. But in practice, it was pretty clear off the bat that it wasn't going to be completely successful.
That's exactly how I feel about the fraternity.
In theory or on paper, this fraternity is the perfect organization for me to join; when I told an acquaintance from high school about my doubts before deciding to become an official pledge, she expressed surprise at hearing that I had any doubts at all because she was so sure that I would have jumped at the chance to become a "brother" based on the activities I devoted most of my time to in high school.
But in reality, things are not looking that great. I am not going to give up and admit defeat now that I am so close to the end and have already devoted so much time and energy to the fraternity, but I just want to make it clear that things really are not as great as they may seem or are supposed to be.
Sometimes I wonder if the problem lies solely with me.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Find Out What It Means to Me
To be completely honest, I was pretty depressed about the whole pledging process and the fraternity in general last week. How many times have I already used a sentence like that to describe how I felt about the fraternity?
Definitely way too many times to count by now.
Last week, we had a Tuesday night GBM to make up for the one we missed during the three-day weekend that ran pretty late into the night. I don't even remember what happened at that GBM, but I don't think I got back to my room until past midnight.
The weather in La Jolla was gray, wet, cold, and just gross in general for most of the week. I couldn't find my umbrella so I walked all around campus to my classes in the rain.
I still can't find my umbrella.
I had a kind-of-a-big-deal second draft of my research paper due in class that Thursday and pulled an all-nighter to get that partially done. No matter how busy or stressed out I was before this quarter, I have never had to pull all-nighters; they now make regular appearances in my life at least once or twice per week.
Sleep, I miss you dearly.
I briefly attended one of the "biggest Omega traditions," our quarterly potluck on Thursday night, and felt completely out of place and alone in the house full of strangers who supposedly made up my close-knit Greek family. Whenever food is involved in any kind of event or outing with my family or even my line (who are supposed to be the "cool" Omegas with whom I am supposed to form the closest bonds), I constantly feel attacked for being a vegetarian.
Yes, attacked.
As if I do not already feel like enough of an outsider in my family, my personal choice to not eat meat seems to make me absolutely unacceptable in the eyes of these people.
I fucking get that you guys LOVE meat, and I respect your choices to support environmentally harmful, cruel factory farming practices of the meat industry by eating helpless animals who were once alive and living in ethically questionable conditions so fucking respect mine to not to partake in actions that violate my personal moral code.
I have never had a problem with my friends or family eating meat and I have never attempted to go all "Veggie Nazi" on them or try to "convert" them to vegetarianism, but the responses and comments I have had to field from these people piss me off so much that I am constantly tempted to respond to their comments with angry rants about how they are all horrible people for eating unethical meat, just to pick a fight with them.
I do have an "A"-worthy, seven-page research paper's worth of information about vegetarianism and the cruelties of factory farming to support my argument, after all.
If I have to sit through another car ride where the conversation about food and my vegetarianism makes the implication that my personal choice is silly or outrageous in some way, I think I might just explode like that.
Don't even get me started on talk about the conflicting political ideology and ideas about social issues in my line.
"Are you Republican or something?"
"Yeah... I am."
Let's just leave it at that.
Differences in choices and ideas, I can deal with. But when respect and tolerance go out the door, so do my patience and acceptance.
It is not an one-way road, after all.
Definitely way too many times to count by now.
Last week, we had a Tuesday night GBM to make up for the one we missed during the three-day weekend that ran pretty late into the night. I don't even remember what happened at that GBM, but I don't think I got back to my room until past midnight.
The weather in La Jolla was gray, wet, cold, and just gross in general for most of the week. I couldn't find my umbrella so I walked all around campus to my classes in the rain.
I still can't find my umbrella.
I had a kind-of-a-big-deal second draft of my research paper due in class that Thursday and pulled an all-nighter to get that partially done. No matter how busy or stressed out I was before this quarter, I have never had to pull all-nighters; they now make regular appearances in my life at least once or twice per week.
Sleep, I miss you dearly.
I briefly attended one of the "biggest Omega traditions," our quarterly potluck on Thursday night, and felt completely out of place and alone in the house full of strangers who supposedly made up my close-knit Greek family. Whenever food is involved in any kind of event or outing with my family or even my line (who are supposed to be the "cool" Omegas with whom I am supposed to form the closest bonds), I constantly feel attacked for being a vegetarian.
Yes, attacked.
As if I do not already feel like enough of an outsider in my family, my personal choice to not eat meat seems to make me absolutely unacceptable in the eyes of these people.
I fucking get that you guys LOVE meat, and I respect your choices to support environmentally harmful, cruel factory farming practices of the meat industry by eating helpless animals who were once alive and living in ethically questionable conditions so fucking respect mine to not to partake in actions that violate my personal moral code.
I have never had a problem with my friends or family eating meat and I have never attempted to go all "Veggie Nazi" on them or try to "convert" them to vegetarianism, but the responses and comments I have had to field from these people piss me off so much that I am constantly tempted to respond to their comments with angry rants about how they are all horrible people for eating unethical meat, just to pick a fight with them.
I do have an "A"-worthy, seven-page research paper's worth of information about vegetarianism and the cruelties of factory farming to support my argument, after all.
If I have to sit through another car ride where the conversation about food and my vegetarianism makes the implication that my personal choice is silly or outrageous in some way, I think I might just explode like that.
Don't even get me started on talk about the conflicting political ideology and ideas about social issues in my line.
"Are you Republican or something?"
"Yeah... I am."
Let's just leave it at that.
Differences in choices and ideas, I can deal with. But when respect and tolerance go out the door, so do my patience and acceptance.
It is not an one-way road, after all.
Sleep All Day
I got more hours of sleep last night than I did all weekend combined.
Only because I skipped yoga (third missed class in a row, dammit) and my 10 am environmental studies class.
And I still spent less than eight hours in bed.
I didn't even have any coffee today.
How am I still functioning?
It took all the motivation in the world to get me out of bed in time for my second class of the day; my alarm went off for the fourth time that morning exactly twenty minutes before my 12 pm political inquiry class and I was this close to pulling the plug, tossing the damn clock against the cinder block wall, and spending the rest of the day completely uninterrupted and knocked out in bed.
I desperately need a day like that.
I am so physically drained from life as a pledge in general and so, so, so emotionally drained from last night.
I really just need to sleep.
A little time to recharge is all I need.
Please.
Only because I skipped yoga (third missed class in a row, dammit) and my 10 am environmental studies class.
And I still spent less than eight hours in bed.
I didn't even have any coffee today.
How am I still functioning?
It took all the motivation in the world to get me out of bed in time for my second class of the day; my alarm went off for the fourth time that morning exactly twenty minutes before my 12 pm political inquiry class and I was this close to pulling the plug, tossing the damn clock against the cinder block wall, and spending the rest of the day completely uninterrupted and knocked out in bed.
I desperately need a day like that.
I am so physically drained from life as a pledge in general and so, so, so emotionally drained from last night.
I really just need to sleep.
A little time to recharge is all I need.
Please.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
♥, Through the Stomach
Some things that I learned in the past three days:
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE frozen yogurt and would totally consider living in socal forever just because there are so many frozen yogurt places here and practically none back home. After my first taste of the awesomeness that is Yogurt World, I now crave it constantly at the weirdest hours.
Like right now. (Even though I am still stuffed from my dinner/boba/movie night with my Big.)
Speaking of my Big, she (like fro-yo) is pretty awesome too. Two nights out on her in three days and she still doesn't think she is spoiling me!
She took me to a vegetarian fusion (or should I say fuZion) cafe called SipZ tonight; everything about the restaurant was really cool and I definitely see myself wanting to go back for another meal some time very soon.
The menu was huge, there was this free-spirited hippie-ness about the restaurant that I loved, and the food was surprisingly tasty, even to non-vegetarians. I have to admit that the idea of fake meat still kind of freaks me out (and my fake "shrimp," which looked JUST like real shrimp by the way, tasted kind of funny to me), but after a few bites of her fake "chicken" udon, my Big, a decidedly omnivorous meat-lover, declared that she thought the pieces of "meat" actually tasted like real chicken.
There were so many other things that I wanted to try... good thing my Big promised to take me back again and to plan a possible line dinner there in the near future!
I am still feeling pretty ambivalent about the fraternity because I don't feel like I am really connecting with my fellow pledges or the other actives, but I think my Big and my line are reasons enough to stick with it. I would feel way too guilty to give up after all the love they have shown me in the past week alone.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE frozen yogurt and would totally consider living in socal forever just because there are so many frozen yogurt places here and practically none back home. After my first taste of the awesomeness that is Yogurt World, I now crave it constantly at the weirdest hours.
Like right now. (Even though I am still stuffed from my dinner/boba/movie night with my Big.)
Speaking of my Big, she (like fro-yo) is pretty awesome too. Two nights out on her in three days and she still doesn't think she is spoiling me!
She took me to a vegetarian fusion (or should I say fuZion) cafe called SipZ tonight; everything about the restaurant was really cool and I definitely see myself wanting to go back for another meal some time very soon.
The menu was huge, there was this free-spirited hippie-ness about the restaurant that I loved, and the food was surprisingly tasty, even to non-vegetarians. I have to admit that the idea of fake meat still kind of freaks me out (and my fake "shrimp," which looked JUST like real shrimp by the way, tasted kind of funny to me), but after a few bites of her fake "chicken" udon, my Big, a decidedly omnivorous meat-lover, declared that she thought the pieces of "meat" actually tasted like real chicken.
There were so many other things that I wanted to try... good thing my Big promised to take me back again and to plan a possible line dinner there in the near future!
I am still feeling pretty ambivalent about the fraternity because I don't feel like I am really connecting with my fellow pledges or the other actives, but I think my Big and my line are reasons enough to stick with it. I would feel way too guilty to give up after all the love they have shown me in the past week alone.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Spring Ahead
I registered for my Spring classes this morning:
HIEU 146: Fascism, Communism, and the Crisis of Liberal Democracy: Europe 1919–1945
HIEU 129: Paris, Past and Present
HITO 87: Problems in Religion and the Law -- A Comparative Perspective (Freshman Seminar)
FILM 87: Cult Films (Fantasy & Weirdly Dramatic) of the 1950s to 2000s (Freshman Seminar)
ENVR 110: Environmental Law
POLI 104D: Judicial Politics
Four day weekends; Yay!
Night classes until 8 pm; Booo...
I am actually really excited about my classes next quarter because they actually sound interesting, but the four reading-intensive upper division courses PLUS the three finals scheduled for Tuesday of finals week also makes my new schedule a little intimidating. Hopefully one of those Tuesday finals will a final paper/project due in class instead of an exam, or else I might have to go beg one of the professors to let me take an alternate final.
***
Someone approached me at a committee meeting today about a rumor that has apparently been circulating in the past day or so that I was going to DP at sib revealing because I found out I was an Omega; only one person in my line knew I was not exactly the happiest girl on earth at sib revealing and I never mentioned anything about being upset about the Omegas to anybody here on campus, so I was definitely a little taken aback. I also never mentioned anything whatsoever about DPing before a short 1 am conversation last night with the friend who convinced me to pledge with her.
I don't exactly know how to react to this, especially since there was a lot of truth in what the girl who "heard" the rumor confronted me about tonight.
But I have a buttload of tedious, technical reading about policy making and regulations to catch up on and a paper to write for tomorrow, so I can't dwell on this too much.
Frozen yogurt with the line tonight! :)
HIEU 146: Fascism, Communism, and the Crisis of Liberal Democracy: Europe 1919–1945
HIEU 129: Paris, Past and Present
HITO 87: Problems in Religion and the Law -- A Comparative Perspective (Freshman Seminar)
FILM 87: Cult Films (Fantasy & Weirdly Dramatic) of the 1950s to 2000s (Freshman Seminar)
ENVR 110: Environmental Law
POLI 104D: Judicial Politics
Four day weekends; Yay!
Night classes until 8 pm; Booo...
I am actually really excited about my classes next quarter because they actually sound interesting, but the four reading-intensive upper division courses PLUS the three finals scheduled for Tuesday of finals week also makes my new schedule a little intimidating. Hopefully one of those Tuesday finals will a final paper/project due in class instead of an exam, or else I might have to go beg one of the professors to let me take an alternate final.
***
Someone approached me at a committee meeting today about a rumor that has apparently been circulating in the past day or so that I was going to DP at sib revealing because I found out I was an Omega; only one person in my line knew I was not exactly the happiest girl on earth at sib revealing and I never mentioned anything about being upset about the Omegas to anybody here on campus, so I was definitely a little taken aback. I also never mentioned anything whatsoever about DPing before a short 1 am conversation last night with the friend who convinced me to pledge with her.
I don't exactly know how to react to this, especially since there was a lot of truth in what the girl who "heard" the rumor confronted me about tonight.
But I have a buttload of tedious, technical reading about policy making and regulations to catch up on and a paper to write for tomorrow, so I can't dwell on this too much.
Frozen yogurt with the line tonight! :)
Monday, February 11, 2008
Big Girls Don't Cry
Is it okay that I have been bursting into tears after fraternity events three days in a row now?
On the surface, for different reasons.
But in reality, not really.
A few letters are on my mind right now, but they are not the ones I would have the "privilege" of wearing after I cross.
Sometimes I feel like I am shooting myself in the foot for the stupid things that come out of my mouth and into the wrong ears. I have just been so exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and physically, lately that I am literally not thinking rationally anymore.
I feel like I have nobody to talk to about the way I feel. Seeing everybody else so happy just makes me feel worse.
I really just want to sleep.
On the surface, for different reasons.
But in reality, not really.
A few letters are on my mind right now, but they are not the ones I would have the "privilege" of wearing after I cross.
Sometimes I feel like I am shooting myself in the foot for the stupid things that come out of my mouth and into the wrong ears. I have just been so exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and physically, lately that I am literally not thinking rationally anymore.
I feel like I have nobody to talk to about the way I feel. Seeing everybody else so happy just makes me feel worse.
I really just want to sleep.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
One Cohesive Unit
Before pledge retreat, the idea of depledging was definitely on my mind. I had so many apprehensions about pledging coming into it, and I just wasn't sure if I was ready to break out of my familiar routines and step outside of my comfort zone to embrace the fraternity.
As we were all disassembling our tents with our tent-mates in the pouring rain at the end of retreat, I still had pretty mixed feelings about all the things that had happened over the weekend. However, on the car ride back to campus, my super cute driver asked us what we thought of retreat and for some strange reason my voice was the first to respond to her question.
"I had a lot of fun and retreat made me feel more like I was part of the fraternity and I like being part of it a lot more now," I said.
At the time I felt like I was lying when I said those words because I was soaking wet, felt like absolute shit and honestly did not know if I really had fun at retreat, but as strange as it may sound, the moment those words came out of my mouth, I started believing what I had said.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how amazing retreat really was.
The actives and our PTA worked so hard to plan and execute all the activities we did this weekend, and I am really grateful for all of their hard work and support throughout the entire experience.
The first games we played in the dark on our first night at the campsite were fun, but they were nothing compared to the hardcore activities planned for our second day at the camp.
My favorite game on the first night was probably "Huggie Bears" because I was one of the winners! Who knew a hugging game could get SO INTENSE?!
The second day was jam-packed with activities and we didn't get to sleep until 4:30 am; even eating breakfast at 7:30 am turned into a bonding activity that taught our class an important lesson.
(All time-telling devices were prohibited and I only found out the times after retreat from my driver.)
The after-lunch activity was the ultimate traditional retreat challenge that all pledges of the fraternity had to experience; it took our class seven hours and forty minutes to complete the challenge and we weren't allowed to eat dinner until it was over.
My driver found me during lunch and told me to wear WARM clothes for the activity and several people came up to me and asked me if I was wearing enough layers; I had on a fleece, a sweatshirt, a down vest and a wool scarf, so I didn't think I could possibly put on any more clothes.
Boy, was I wrong.
A few more pairs of socks and maybe another sweatshirt and another pair of pants would have been nice.
Those seven hours and forty minutes were the most mentally and physically grueling seven hours and forty minutes I have experienced in my entire life.
I was violently shivering the entire time. I couldn't feel my toes at all and it was excruciatingly painful when I tried to wiggle them. I was starving and completely dehydrated at the same time. I was also worried and scared out of my wits about the safety of my fellow pledge brothers who attempted several risky stunts, especially when one of them tumbled headfirst toward the ground from about six feet in the air and landed on his jaw.
Even when the guys (who all became superheros in my eyes after that night) figured out a feasible plan of action, I was very scared and nervous about what would happen when my turn came; people were discussing tucking and rolling techniques and what to do if something went wrong and thoughts of falling to the ground scared the shit out of me.
I inched toward the front lines a couple of times, but always chickened out at the last minute and shuffled back to the back of our confinement zone. After the big discouraging blow that had everyone doubting our strategy, we were all extremely frustrated; I curled up into a ball on the dirt in the back and sat there shivering by myself, feeling completely dejected and depressed.
It didn't help that it was pitch black out and I was freezing.
I wanted to cry because I was so cold and so scared about what I had to eventually do.
But the guys never gave up hope, and before long, they were on a roll again.
One girl (who, I am proud to say, is now Madame President of our class) in particular stood out by being especially encouraging and supportive; I seriously do not think I could have survived the night without her words of comfort. Even though she was very nervous about the task too, she stayed positive and strong and cheered everyone on; she eventually went over herself and when she was sent back, she excitedly came up to all of the scared girls standing in the back and told us all how it was nothing to be scared of at all because all the guys "literally have your backs."
I was still very, very scared, but she convinced me to do it.
So I got in line, and soon it was my turn.
I held my breath, crossed my arms, leaned back, closed my eyes and was effortlessly lifted high up in the air by our super strong superheros on the front line.
Even though I was lifted about six feet in the air, I felt completely supported and safe 100% of the way over; the guys in our class are seriously superheros.
(How many times have I used "superhero" to describe my pledge brothers? I don't like sounding repetitive, but that is the only word I can think of to sum up their awesomeness.)
When I landed on the other side, I instantly felt warmer and happier; I spent the next hour or two yelling and cheering for everybody else, and before we knew it, there was only one person left on the other side.
We were all extremely jubilant and excited - we were SO CLOSE to reaching our goal.
Then we failed.
Again.
And again.
And again.
It probably took us at least two or three hours to figure out how to get the last person over. The longer it took, the colder, hungrier, and more discouraged we all felt, but once again, the guys on the front line never gave up hope.
After several spectacularly unsuccessful attempts, our PT came to us and asked us if we wanted to give up and go eat dinner back at the campsite. Even though I was freezing, starving, dehydrated, and depressed, I immediately yelled, "NO!" without even thinking about it along with the rest of my class.
We all knew in our hearts that we couldn't give up. We were "one cohesive unit," after all.
It was a good thing we didn't give up because we did it in the end.
We really did it.
I still cannot believe that we managed to do what we did; the guys are freaking superheros!
(Again!)
When our PT stood in front of us and gave a little speech about how proud he was of what our class accomplished, my eyes immediately began to tear up and soon I was silently bawling my eyes out. All of the strong emotions I experienced that night bubbled over and I just could not stop myself from crying.
Good thing it was pitch black outside.
Even though I was very happy that we completed the challenge, I was so hungry and exhausted by the time we got back to camp that all I wanted to do was crawl into my sleeping bag and sleep. But I couldn't do that - we had a LONG night ahead of us, and I grew more irritated and antisocial as the night dragged on.
Then it started raining.
And our tent leaked and my stuff got completely soaked.
We had a few more concluding activities that morning before we left the campsite, and they were all very eye-opening.
After I got back to campus, took off all of my soaking wet clothes, and hopped in the shower with steaming hot water on at full blast (I had forgotten how amazing HOT water felt), I realized just how out-of-this-world my retreat experiences were.
Like our PT said during one of his speeches, we may have felt like shit, but we all got through it together as a class.
We are truly ONE COHESIVE UNIT and we are never going to forget that.
I couldn't be prouder of our class and everything we accomplished.
♥
As we were all disassembling our tents with our tent-mates in the pouring rain at the end of retreat, I still had pretty mixed feelings about all the things that had happened over the weekend. However, on the car ride back to campus, my super cute driver asked us what we thought of retreat and for some strange reason my voice was the first to respond to her question.
"I had a lot of fun and retreat made me feel more like I was part of the fraternity and I like being part of it a lot more now," I said.
At the time I felt like I was lying when I said those words because I was soaking wet, felt like absolute shit and honestly did not know if I really had fun at retreat, but as strange as it may sound, the moment those words came out of my mouth, I started believing what I had said.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized how amazing retreat really was.
The actives and our PTA worked so hard to plan and execute all the activities we did this weekend, and I am really grateful for all of their hard work and support throughout the entire experience.
The first games we played in the dark on our first night at the campsite were fun, but they were nothing compared to the hardcore activities planned for our second day at the camp.
My favorite game on the first night was probably "Huggie Bears" because I was one of the winners! Who knew a hugging game could get SO INTENSE?!
The second day was jam-packed with activities and we didn't get to sleep until 4:30 am; even eating breakfast at 7:30 am turned into a bonding activity that taught our class an important lesson.
(All time-telling devices were prohibited and I only found out the times after retreat from my driver.)
The after-lunch activity was the ultimate traditional retreat challenge that all pledges of the fraternity had to experience; it took our class seven hours and forty minutes to complete the challenge and we weren't allowed to eat dinner until it was over.
My driver found me during lunch and told me to wear WARM clothes for the activity and several people came up to me and asked me if I was wearing enough layers; I had on a fleece, a sweatshirt, a down vest and a wool scarf, so I didn't think I could possibly put on any more clothes.
Boy, was I wrong.
A few more pairs of socks and maybe another sweatshirt and another pair of pants would have been nice.
Those seven hours and forty minutes were the most mentally and physically grueling seven hours and forty minutes I have experienced in my entire life.
I was violently shivering the entire time. I couldn't feel my toes at all and it was excruciatingly painful when I tried to wiggle them. I was starving and completely dehydrated at the same time. I was also worried and scared out of my wits about the safety of my fellow pledge brothers who attempted several risky stunts, especially when one of them tumbled headfirst toward the ground from about six feet in the air and landed on his jaw.
Even when the guys (who all became superheros in my eyes after that night) figured out a feasible plan of action, I was very scared and nervous about what would happen when my turn came; people were discussing tucking and rolling techniques and what to do if something went wrong and thoughts of falling to the ground scared the shit out of me.
I inched toward the front lines a couple of times, but always chickened out at the last minute and shuffled back to the back of our confinement zone. After the big discouraging blow that had everyone doubting our strategy, we were all extremely frustrated; I curled up into a ball on the dirt in the back and sat there shivering by myself, feeling completely dejected and depressed.
It didn't help that it was pitch black out and I was freezing.
I wanted to cry because I was so cold and so scared about what I had to eventually do.
But the guys never gave up hope, and before long, they were on a roll again.
One girl (who, I am proud to say, is now Madame President of our class) in particular stood out by being especially encouraging and supportive; I seriously do not think I could have survived the night without her words of comfort. Even though she was very nervous about the task too, she stayed positive and strong and cheered everyone on; she eventually went over herself and when she was sent back, she excitedly came up to all of the scared girls standing in the back and told us all how it was nothing to be scared of at all because all the guys "literally have your backs."
I was still very, very scared, but she convinced me to do it.
So I got in line, and soon it was my turn.
I held my breath, crossed my arms, leaned back, closed my eyes and was effortlessly lifted high up in the air by our super strong superheros on the front line.
Even though I was lifted about six feet in the air, I felt completely supported and safe 100% of the way over; the guys in our class are seriously superheros.
(How many times have I used "superhero" to describe my pledge brothers? I don't like sounding repetitive, but that is the only word I can think of to sum up their awesomeness.)
When I landed on the other side, I instantly felt warmer and happier; I spent the next hour or two yelling and cheering for everybody else, and before we knew it, there was only one person left on the other side.
We were all extremely jubilant and excited - we were SO CLOSE to reaching our goal.
Then we failed.
Again.
And again.
And again.
It probably took us at least two or three hours to figure out how to get the last person over. The longer it took, the colder, hungrier, and more discouraged we all felt, but once again, the guys on the front line never gave up hope.
After several spectacularly unsuccessful attempts, our PT came to us and asked us if we wanted to give up and go eat dinner back at the campsite. Even though I was freezing, starving, dehydrated, and depressed, I immediately yelled, "NO!" without even thinking about it along with the rest of my class.
We all knew in our hearts that we couldn't give up. We were "one cohesive unit," after all.
It was a good thing we didn't give up because we did it in the end.
We really did it.
I still cannot believe that we managed to do what we did; the guys are freaking superheros!
(Again!)
When our PT stood in front of us and gave a little speech about how proud he was of what our class accomplished, my eyes immediately began to tear up and soon I was silently bawling my eyes out. All of the strong emotions I experienced that night bubbled over and I just could not stop myself from crying.
Good thing it was pitch black outside.
Even though I was very happy that we completed the challenge, I was so hungry and exhausted by the time we got back to camp that all I wanted to do was crawl into my sleeping bag and sleep. But I couldn't do that - we had a LONG night ahead of us, and I grew more irritated and antisocial as the night dragged on.
Then it started raining.
And our tent leaked and my stuff got completely soaked.
We had a few more concluding activities that morning before we left the campsite, and they were all very eye-opening.
After I got back to campus, took off all of my soaking wet clothes, and hopped in the shower with steaming hot water on at full blast (I had forgotten how amazing HOT water felt), I realized just how out-of-this-world my retreat experiences were.
Like our PT said during one of his speeches, we may have felt like shit, but we all got through it together as a class.
We are truly ONE COHESIVE UNIT and we are never going to forget that.
I couldn't be prouder of our class and everything we accomplished.
♥
Monday, February 4, 2008
NSSN #1
Pledge retreat was this weekend, and I got a grand total of about eight hours of sleep during the Friday and Saturday nights spent at the "secret" campsite. There will be no sleep on this Sunday night because I have a massive amount of work to catch up on (thank god I don't have class this Tuesday and can spend the day trying to figure figure out how fogs, clouds, and all the other atmospheric phenomena form for my Wednesday midterm); I am so mentally and physically exhausted.
I spent almost two hours preparing to write an essay on an article for my environmental studies class before I looked at the prompt again and realized that I had been reading and outlining the wrong article.
FUCK.
Hence the "No-Sleep Sunday-Night," or NSSN, I am spending in the nerd box with an (unfortunately) empty coffee cup and half of a ciabatta grilled cheese sandwich (which I just finished eating).
I feel kind of discouraged.
My yoga/pilates class starts in less four hours.
Both of my papers are due in less six hours.
AND I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.
Five pledges were caught without their pins this week, so all 75 of the remaining pledges have to wear homemade paper "pins" that are five times as big as the original one in addition to the real pledge pin for the entire week:
That's really big.
Was it, and is it worth all of this?
Well, let's put it this way - even though I still don't know all of the lyrics, the Toast Song has been stuck in my head for the last three days and instead of driving me crazy, humming the melody at random times kind of makes me happy.
Daily working, daily striving....
I spent almost two hours preparing to write an essay on an article for my environmental studies class before I looked at the prompt again and realized that I had been reading and outlining the wrong article.
FUCK.
Hence the "No-Sleep Sunday-Night," or NSSN, I am spending in the nerd box with an (unfortunately) empty coffee cup and half of a ciabatta grilled cheese sandwich (which I just finished eating).
I feel kind of discouraged.
My yoga/pilates class starts in less four hours.
Both of my papers are due in less six hours.
AND I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.
Five pledges were caught without their pins this week, so all 75 of the remaining pledges have to wear homemade paper "pins" that are five times as big as the original one in addition to the real pledge pin for the entire week:
That's really big.
Was it, and is it worth all of this?
Well, let's put it this way - even though I still don't know all of the lyrics, the Toast Song has been stuck in my head for the last three days and instead of driving me crazy, humming the melody at random times kind of makes me happy.
Daily working, daily striving....
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