The Most Fun You Will Have

Before and at the beginning of my pledging period, nearly all of the actives I encountered would tell me to take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities available to me as a pledge because the pledging process would be "the most fun you will have in the fraternity."

Their words of "wisdom" seemed genuine and I had no reason to doubt their words. Now that I am on the verge of crossing and becoming an "active brother" (the sexist term still bugs me AND the number of female "brothers" in the fraternity outnumber the number of male "brothers" quite significantly...), those words are coming back to haunt me and making me rethink my membership in the organization.

Honestly, if pledging is supposed to be the "most fun" part of being in the fraternity, why am I going to hand over a $75 check to "continue the fun" in an organization in which I still do not feel like I belong and whose activities and events still leave me feeling depressed and dejected at the end of the night? There is simply no rational justification.

I just spent over $300 on books this quarter, so paying $75 to keep being unhappy seems pretty damn stupid to me.

Over spring break, another high school classmates of mine who underwent a much more brutal and strenuous pledging process for one of the crazy Asian social fraternities asked me about my experiences pledging for my fraternity. He was immediately taken aback by all the negative experiences I shared with him because "everyone else seemed to love it."

"Why didn't you DP?!" was one question he asked me repeatedly that night.

And I couldn't come up with a sound answer even once.

"You should have just DP'ed," he mused as he rattled off Greek letters of other organizations that I could join instead.

He was probably right. No one can provide better perspective on a problem than a stranger to the issue.

Last night, I received a text from my Big that sounded a little something like this:

"Sorry Lil but I won't be able to make it to your activation. I have a mandatory meeting at work."

I texted back:

"Awwww... thats okay. :("

But you know what?

It is NOT OKAY. It is ANYTHING BUT OKAY.

Do you know where my Big works? STARBUCKS.

Serving coffee >>> me, I guess.

(By the way, my Big ironically hates the smell, taste, and anything to do with coffee.)

When I received the text last night, my first reaction was utter and complete SHOCK. I have harbored well-grounded suspicions from the beginning that my Big was not exactly all that fond of me, but this hit the nail in the head and drove it deep into my thin skin.

And you know what? IT HURT.

My Big has thus far ruined every major moment of what was supposed to be "triumph" for me in this pledging process. Let us recap:

SIB REVEALING: She didn't talk to me at all. While every other pledge bonded with their Bigs and their lines, she slept on top of a box instead. (She's small enough to do that.) So I spent what was supposed to be an awesomely fun day of bonding with the people who I am supposed to form the strongest bonds with in the fraternity sitting all by myself on a field of grass, venting out my anger and frustration on the blades of grass before me. Then I returned to my dorm and cried my fucking eyes out and seriously thought about DPing for the first time since I started pledging.

SHOWCASE: After our pledge class worked our asses off to pull off an AMAZING performance for the actives, everyone's bigs and lines rushed to the stage area with big balloons, beautiful bouquets of flowers, huge homemade signs with their little's names on them, and most importantly, warm hugs and words of congratulations for their littles. Except for my big and my line. They were nowhere to be found. So once again, I was all alone in a busy crowd of paired off/grouped up people. When I finally found my big and my line, we just stood around in awkward silence. No words of congratulations or encouragement or any indication that they had enjoyed the show whatsoever. While all of my pledge brothers were busy taking smiling picture after smiling picture with their Bigs, their lines, and their group mates, I just stood back and watched it all happen somberly.

And now ACTIVATION?

Fuck it. "Sacred ceremony," my ass.

I currently have an awesome dress and an awesome pair of heels waiting patiently to see the light of day in my closet but whether I will be dressed and ready to go with my $75 check at 4 pm this Sunday still remains a big question mark in my mind.

I could save myself an exorbitant amount of money that could be better spent on other things and use the time more wisely to write a few legal briefs that night.

Spending Sunday night in my ruby red Lowell shorts, curled up with my 503 page reader and a highlighter sure sounds appealing to me right now.