Cheer Up, Emo Kid

The weather in La Jolla has been extremely counter-conductive for studying this weekend. Upper-nineties during the day? Low-eighties at night? And I have to stay indoors to study? You've got to be fucking kidding me.

I got absolutely nothing done. And I am terrified of how I may have just screwed myself over for the upcoming midterms "hell week".


I feel really stupid for wasting precious time and brain power worrying and speculating about trivial, maybe-its-all-in-my-head-after-all issues.

I tend to let my imagination get a little carried away in certain situations and usually end up more crushed and dejected when the truth comes out than I let on.

It may seem like I am brushing it off or "getting over" something pretty painlessly on the outside, but I am probably secretly crying my eyes out and mentally beating myself up alone in my room the moment I get some privacy.

At the most recent line dinner, my G3 made a comment about our new Service VP, "She's probably a manic depressive. Nobody can be that happy all the time."

On the exterior, I am pretty "zen" and whatever most of the time, but I also harbor some intense manic-depressive tendencies. More so with the "depressive" than the "manic" though.

Most of my friends know that I used to be really bad with phone calls. I would never bring my phone with me anywhere and I was terrible at returning calls. "Terrible" as in I never did it. Now I have my phone with me at all times and I am constantly checking it in between classes.

Just to see if you called to invite me to go hang out or something.

I really want to hang out with you, but I don't want to push it and impose myself on you. Is it crazy that I even dream about you calling me?

Sigh.

I really hope that I did not send the wrong message by inviting another person along that night. I had no idea it was just going to be us otherwise.

Maybe there was no "message" to send at all. Am I just embarrassing myself right now for revealing how much I thought about something that was not meant to be taken for more than its face value?

Ugh.

I have been listening to the same song on repeat for three weeks.

I am not going to admit or reaffirm the way I feel until I am a little more certain about the whole reciprocity thing because I don't want to feel stupid. Or get more crushed by raised expectations when the truth manifests.

But yeah.

If I seemed distracted lately, this was why - I had my head in the clouds.

I will be spending the next two days living in the library. So, uh, you know where to find me.