Y Halo Thar, Mr. Elephant

Spilled bottle of clear nail polish = ruined $20 foundation brush. Fuck.

Ruined foundation brush = catalyst for huge online shopping spree.

Staying up until 5 am for no productive reason = deliriously applying (and getting instantly approved) for another credit card with a surprisingly high limit for a college girl without a job.

***

Last quarter, I filled out a wellness survey that the UCSD Wellness Center emailed to me and I was selected again this quarter as one of the follow-up subjects for the survey.

Reading the familiar survey questions and picking completely different answers on the 1-5 scale about three months later opened my eyes to the purple-elephant of a problem that has been growing exponentially in front of my face since the beginning of this quarter: I am not happy.

It does not get any more complicated than those four little words: I AM NOT HAPPY.

I have been a fucking bipolar mess this quarter.

Everything is kind of falling apart now and I am not sure how I am going to deal with all the pieces once they fall. Sometimes I just want to cry.

After a short committee meeting last night, I ran into one of my pledge sisters on the way back to my dorm. What started out as a simple "Hey, what's up?" conversation on a street corner somehow evolved into a FIVE-HOUR long conversation.

I spilled all of the anxieties I had with the fraternity, my line and my family that had been piling up in the back of my mind to her. Now I just really hope that none of the things I said comes back to bite me in the ass.

Spring Break is coming up, which means yet another round of X-Rays, another visit to the orthopedic surgeon's office, and what could quite possibly be one of the hardest decisions I will ever have to make in my life are waiting for me just around the corner. Once I am done worrying and fretting about all this fraternity drama and finals week, thoughts and talk of my spine will basically be consuming my life.

Obviously, I am freaking the fuck out about this... but why have I been subconsciously hiding this HUGE part of my life from everybody in the fraternity as if it were my dirty little secret?

I have mentioned that I had scoliosis to a grand total of two people.

And it was only in passing during an interview party.

And they were two people whom I was certain would not care enough to remember that little detail about me.

Nobody knows about the prospects of major surgery and how the very idea of it is slowly driving me crazy.

I love our pledge class t-shirts, but the American Apparel tees that our S@A chose turned out to be much more form-fitting than the Threadless AA tees I was used to wearing; I was so conscious of my twisted hip and how obviously it could have been seen in my tight shirt that I was very uncomfortable all throughout showcase.

God, I hate my body.